Summary
An eighteen-year-old woman is concerned about increasingly dominant sexual fantasies involving herself as the person harmed. She asks why these fantasies feel arousing and expresses worry about their meaning and influence on her relationships.
The response distinguishes fantasy from actual harm and raises concerns about whether her relationship choices could expose her to abuse.
It suggests psychotherapy to explore her worries and possible influences, emphasizing that mutual consent and the absence of real harm are essential boundaries rather than treating a fantasy as proof of past trauma.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’m an 18 year old woman and I’ve always had strange sexual fantasies. I’m very turned on by pedophilia, but in the sense that I want to be the child that is being molested.
I’ve always been turned on by older men, I normally date guys four or five years older than I am. Lately, my fantasy has been going out of control. When I read articles about a child being molested, I get turned on instead of disgusted.
It’s come to the point that the only way I can masturbate is from thinking about being molested. Why does this arouse me? I’m grateful for any help you can provide.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.There are a number of things that are concerning about your E.Mail. While I understand that you are excited by the fantasy that you are the child being molested, you have to think about whether there is any place in your mind where you may want to molest a child.
I do not enjoy stating this but it is concerning. You need to ask yourself if your fantasy is totally self directed or if it has any element where you molest the child?
Assuming that your sexual fantasies are about you being the child who is molested there are concerns with regard to this. The main concern is not that you date older men but that you may want to date older men who will be abusive towards you. With regard to sex, there is always a boundary between reality and fantasy.
It is one thing to fantasize about molestation and allowing it to happen. In the area of fantasy, loving couples act out their wishes in ways that are safe. Playfully, the woman may act out being molested by the man who loves her but in harmless and fun ways. When it crosses the line into physical abuse, it is no longer fun or harmless. You need to ask yourself what it is your really want.
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People are aroused by all kinds of sexual fantasies and who is to say that they are strange or wrong? To repeat, it is only when fantasy crosses the boundary into real harm that there is a problem.
Sometimes these things are influenced by childhood traumatic events. For instance, if you were abused or watched abuse going on between your parents, it’s possible that it became integrated into your sexual life.
You would not have sent this E.Mail if you were not worried. For that reason, it might be a good idea for you to enter psychotherapy. My primary reason for this suggestion is that you not get yourself into a relationship that will end in your being harmed. Again, fantasy is one thing and reality another.
If you and your partner can share the fantasy in mutually satisfying and non harmful ways, then, good. If your wish might be to be really harmed, that is not good. Finally, one would really expect that stories of pedophilia would upset you. Yet, they do not. In my opinion, psychotherapy is a good idea.
Best of luck
