Summary
A woman is comfortable with her husband's smoking fetish but feels unwanted when he uses fetish websites despite their active sex life. She asks how to manage the anger and rejection she experiences when discussing it has not changed the situation.
The response distinguishes consenting adult sexual interests from practices that harm health and emphasizes the risks of smoking and secondhand smoke.
It validates the relationship concern and recommends marriage therapy to address their disagreement and its effect on intimacy, while urging her to consider ending smoking for her health.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy husband has a smoking fetish.
I am a smoker and am completely okay and enjoy smoking for my husband.
We have a very active sex life, however I’m not sure if me smoking for him is enough. I have found out that he is getting off on fetish sites whenever I am not around. The getting off part doesn’t bother me but it does bother me that he needs to fulfil his fantasy with other women when I am right here.
I have expressed my feelings to him on this issue but it hasn’t changed anything. I do not feel this will go away. Any advice on how I can be okay with this?
I don’t want to be angry at him but I don’t want to feel unwanted either.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Generally speaking I would say that if two adults are consenting and willing to engage in mutually interesting and exciting sexual practices within the privacy of their own home and without causing physical or mental harm to themselves or others they can engage in those sexual practices. Therefore, the first issue that concerns me and should concern you is that your husband wants you to smoke as a way of finding sexual excitement.
As you must know cigarette smoking is known to cause cancer and is considered dangerous to one’s health. In addition, second hand smoke, inhaled by those around the individual who is smoking is equally dangerous to health.
In other words, what your husband is asking you to do and what you are complying with is harmful to your health and to his, as well. You really need to think about that. I understand that you are "a smoker and are okay with it" but it is dangerous and I want to urge you to work on ending your smoking for your health and safety.
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I am not sure why your husband’s "getting off" when he is viewing fetish sites on the web does not bother you. I assume that "getting off" refers to his engaging in masturbation. Why does he engage in this behavior when you are a present and willing partner in sexuality?
Most people become angry when their partner engages in masturbatory activities instead of mutually satisfying sexual activity.
Of course, who can argue with your frustration with his leering at two dimensional women on the web when you are there, real, three dimensional and wanting to engage in sex with him?
How can you be OK with this situation? You do not want to be angry with him? There is no way for you to feel OK with his getting off, and doing so by looking at pornography on the internet when you are present.
There is no way for you to not feeling very angry. There is no way for you to feel "unwanted" by him when he does these things instead of making love to and having sex with you, especially in light of the fact that you are a willing partner who wants to gratify her husband while also enjoying sex.
My advice is for the two of you to enter into marriage therapy in order that you can attempt to resolve this serious problem. In my opinion, if the two of you do not seek professional psychological help the future of your marriage could be endangered.
Best of Luck
