Summary
A reader’s husband has repeatedly had affairs with men despite promises to stop. They are considering divorce but worry about the effect on their two children.
The response speculates that the husband may be gay but treats the central issue as repeated infidelity and damage to the marriage, rather than making orientation a confirmed fact.
It validates the reader’s uncertainty and says only they can judge whether the relationship can be repaired, encouraging support from a counselor or someone safe while considering the options.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI really need advice, please. My husband of 10 years had cheated on my 4 different times with 4 different men. I feel I just can not stay in this marriage any more. After the first time and I caught him, he swore he would never do it again and begged for forgiveness. I granted such and now he has done it 3 more times.
I just don’t trust him at all and always wonder what he is really doing when he goes out (which is frequently). Am I crazy to be seeking a divorce for this? We have a son 7 1/2 and a daughter 2 – I would NEVER want to hurt them through any of this. They mean the world to me. Please help if you can.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.I’m sure you realize this, at least at some level, but it is very likely that you are married to a gay man. If he is in fact gay, this is not his fault or your fault; he was born that way.
Our culture makes it so difficult for gay people to feel okay about being gay that many never come to grips with it in early adulthood and end up getting married in the ‘straight’ custom. Some of these marriages last just fine, and others implode when the partner’s gay sexual preferences just can’t be denied anymore.
Your husband is committing adultery, for sure, and that is a terrible breach of trust. However, if he is gay in a straight marriage, it’s a little for me to cut him some slack than it would be for a straight adulterer in a straight marriage.
Think about how motivated you might be to find a straight partner if you were living in a gay marriage. Sexuality aside, what this is ultimately about for you is probably that your trust, and your marriage are damaged. Only you can judge whether the damage is irreparable.
Given the data, I don’t blame you for not trusting him, and no one would blame you for leaving the marriage. In fact, if he is gay and being cowardly about it, he might be acting out so as to provoke you to be the ‘bad guy’ and end the marriage for him.
Find yourself someone safe to talk all this out with (a counselor, a trusted family member or friend, etc.) and do what you can to figure out what you have to do given your circumstances. Be gentle with yourself but don’t be afraid to be strong if that is what is called for. Good luck.
