Summary
After 35 years of marriage, a woman discovers that her husband concealed repeated meetings with an ex-girlfriend. She describes feeling hurt by his secrecy and asks how to get him to discuss its impact.
The response identifies honesty and mutual confidence as central to a healthy relationship but says the decision to stay or leave belongs to her.
It recommends open discussion and marriage therapy to understand each partner's perspective and explore unresolved issues, while considering the emotional and practical investment in their long marriage.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldWe have been married for 35 years and I recently discovered (through receipt for M+S items) that he was in a different part of the country than what he told me he was and I was away on family business elsewhere.
He lied in the text we exchanged. He lied in long conversations with me while apart. I had to force him to tell me, which he reluctantly did, that he went to see an ex girl friend that he says has mental health issues.
He also admitted that he had seen her several times over the years and got her to come to London to see him several times. As I always felt that something else was going on, I feel I cannot trust him anymore because previously he had denied meeting other females and it was not true.
What can I do to get him to talk about how much he has hurt me with his secrecy?
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Healthy relationships are based on honesty. When that suffers people cannot trust one another. The lack of trust is a major threat to the likelihood that a marriage will last.
There is no way of answering the question of whether or not you should stay with your husband. Thirty five years of being together is nothing to be dismissed. It means that you have a lot invested in the marriage in terms of emotions, money and time. You will need to make that decision.
I was interested to read that one of Hollywood’s oldest marriages came to an end when Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman ended their marriage of thirty years for similar reasons that you are complaining about. However, Perlman has economic security, wealth really, and you may not.
You and your husband need to talk and go to a good marriage therapist. The likelihood is that he has a different point of view on the marriage than you have. Rather than painting him as a bad man, it would be valuable to find out what issues got the two of you into this problem before you sue for divorce.
Perhaps there are long standing grievances that the two of you, with the help of a good therapist, could resolve.
Best of Luck
