Summary
A reader still misses an affair partner two years after the relationship ended. They have stayed married and kept the affair secret, but want help with the lingering feelings.
The response interprets the feelings as possible grief for a meaningful relationship and wonders whether the affair met needs that remain unaddressed.
It suggests that secrecy may make processing the loss harder and identifies talking with a professional therapist as a way to explore the relationship’s meaning and the grief.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him.
Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.
Answer
Ann LandersYou don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go.
I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think.
It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).
