Summary
A reader feels uncomfortable that a boyfriend keeps affectionate photographs from a past relationship. He describes them as memories and says he no longer has feelings for his ex.
The response validates the reader’s discomfort and interprets holding onto the photographs as a possible sign of unfinished feelings, without establishing the boyfriend’s actual motives.
It expresses the writer’s view that the reader may need to set a firm relationship boundary if the disagreement prevents them from feeling secure.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years. He still keeps photos of his ex and refuses to delete them. They were together for five years. He says he doesn’t have any feelings for her anymore and that the pictures are just memories from his past. He says they matter to him and maybe, 20 years from now, we can look at them together and laugh.
He promises I’ll never have to see them, but I still don’t understand why he wants to keep photos where they are hugging, kissing, or holding each other. I’ve told him how uncomfortable it makes me feel, but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal.
I’m struggling with this. Please help me understand what I should do.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.To be honest, I cannot understand it either. I do know that you are not alone with this problem. Some people actually keep in touch with their ex lovers through facebook, telephone and even meeting together. Research shows that these behaviors weaken relationships and lead to their destruction.
What you need to understand is that there is nothing wrong with you. Everyone has past relationships. However, for lovers to feel confidence and trust in one another, they need to know that the past is over and done. How can you feel confident about your boyfriend if he holds onto photos of his ex girlfriend? You cannot.
Sometimes people keep old photos or maintain contact with their ex because they are unhappy with their present lover. It’s usually the most recent ex that attracts their attention. There is an old saying that you should never get involved with someone who is rebounding from a failed relationship. Other times, people cannot let go of the feelings they had for their previous lover. This does not bode well for the success of the next relationship.
Painful as this might be, you may have to give your boyfriend the choice of you or the pictures. I doubt that you will ever look back on the photos in the future with a laugh. It’s not a laughing matter.
