Summary
A wife feels excluded by the amount of time her husband spends with his secretary, including lunches and after-hours events. She asks whether wanting protected time together is unreasonable.
The response regards her concerns about the husband's behavior as legitimate and emphasizes that marriage requires mutual attention and compromise.
It encourages clearly explaining how the situation affects her, holding to those concerns if they are dismissed, and negotiating limits on time spent with the secretary.
The answer says a concern affecting one partner also deserves attention within the relationship.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldAm I asking too much of my husband? We have a Christian marriage. I have moved 3 times for his job promotions, each time I have given up jobs that I enjoy.
When I was in my 20’s I worked as a secretary in an office with 8 men. I would never go out to lunch with them. My husband was very jealous and I really had no desire to go out with them.
He has a secretary now, and he’s with her from 7:00 am to 8:00 pm. He goes out to lunch with her every day and they are seen around town together. Some of these trips are necessary, some aren’t.
My problem is she wants to attend after hour functions with us because her husband won’t attend. She would rather attend with my husband and have me stay home, because she doesn’t want to infringe on our time.
But when she goes with us, I am ignored and they talk company business the whole time. She sits between us and he talks to her the whole time.
Am I being petty? If I was doing this to him, he wouldn’t like it but I am expected to go along with this. I feel after hours are our time. She can go on her own.
Answer
Ann LandersYikes! Is your husband looking for a reason to make you angry? To make you want to leave him?
Because his behavior in this area is clearly inappropriate and somewhat dishonorable. As his wife, you should be the center of his attention, and he should take time out — or make time, if necessary — to be with you as much as possible.
This isn’t some idealistic fantasy scenario — for a marriage to work, it requires sacrifices from both parties.
Now’s the hard part. You need to let him know that his behaviors regarding his secretary are disturbing to you. While he may be quick to poo-poo your concerns, you need to stand fast and hold your ground. Get him to realize he’s out of line here and compromise on how much time he spends with her.
And if he doesn’t see this as a problem, let him know that if it’s a problem for you, then it’s a problem for your relationship. It needs attention, or else something may eventually give in the relationship.
Good luck,
– Anne
