Summary
A young woman grieving her father’s sudden death feels renewed closeness to an ex while drifting from her current boyfriend. She wants to make a fair decision without confusing grief with lasting romantic feelings.
The response recommends postponing major relationship decisions while adjusting to the loss.
It also asks her to consider unresolved problems with the ex and discuss current relationship concerns openly, rather than choosing chiefly to avoid hurting someone or because they helped during a crisis.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy father passed away suddenly three weeks ago. We were very close, and I never truly imagined what life would be like without him until now, when I have no other choice. I am 25 years old, and this loss has shaken me deeply.
At first, my boyfriend of almost a year was incredibly supportive. He took care of many things, like talking with my boss and staying by my side the day I found out and I am grateful for that. My ex boyfriend has also been there for me during this time. His mother died about two years ago, and after I helped him through that, we reconnected.
We had been on and off for years before, but we never officially dated because he lives far away. I ended things after friends convinced me he was not treating me well, though we never really talked it through.
Even after the breakup, his feelings for me have not faded. As my ex and I talk more, I feel the old chemistry returning. I am not sure if it is just because of the situation, but at the same time my connection with my current boyfriend has been fading. I sensed this even before my father passed, but now with these growing feelings for my ex, I feel more conflicted than ever.
I do not know how to make a clear and informed decision. I hate the idea of hurting my boyfriend, but I also worry that I might be stringing him along. Any advice would mean a lot to me.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.- First, you are in mourning over the loss of your father. That is always a deeply felt crisis to live through. Grief is a profound experience and, therefore, it is best you put off all important decisions in your life until you have worked through or adjusted to this loss. Any decisions you make at this time will be colored by your feelings of loss. Therefore, you may regret what you decide at this time. You need a clear head and heart to make such an important decision.
- Second, if you want to be with your ex boyfriend, it is important to think about the fact that all of the old problems you had when you were together will continue to be present. I assume he continues to live far away from you. Also, if he treated you badly before, it is most likely that he will repeat that again.
- Third and related to grief, helping someone through a crisis is not a reason to be with or marry that individual. Again, the reason is that such a decision is based on emotions that have nothing to do with love, romance and quality of relationship.
- Lastly, it’s important to talk over whatever problems you and your present boyfriend are having. If your feelings towards him have changed it’s important to know why. That includes the two of you discussing what might be going wrong or what unspoken complaints you may have with one another. Relationships are never easy and your change of heart may have more to do with unspoken dissatisfactions and angers than anything else.
Best of luck
