Summary
A woman is frightened by a new boyfriend's controlling jealousy, including accusations involving her brothers. Having recently left an abusive long relationship, she worries about repeating the same pattern and asks whether to continue.
The response identifies the jealousy as controlling and gives the writer's opinion that ending this relationship would be preferable.
It also suggests psychotherapy to explore recurring relationship patterns and strengthen future choices, while its speculation about childhood influences is not established by the reader's account.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldHow long have you been together? 8 months
What is your age range? 20/25
Please share your story:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months and everything was good in the beginning. Then, slowly, I started seeing how fast he got angry and how jealous he was. I thought it was cute until it started becoming a controlling issue. He started accusing my own brother of checking me out and how I must like it.
My brothers and I are really close so we joke around and make fun of each other. But he is like obsessive and it scares me because I jut got out of a 9 year relationship with an abusive man and we had the same problems.
What should I do?
Is it me? I feel like I will never be happy..
Please help me! Should I continue in this relationship?
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.You are accurate when you state that your boyfriend’s jealousy is a controlling issue.
He wants all of your attention focused on himself and feels that you are outside of his control if you spend time with anyone else. Many times jealousy has to do with feeling insecure. Basically, he fears that you like your brothers and other people more than you like him.
There is no way you will convince him otherwise. In my opinion, this is why you would be better off ending this relationship. You are correct. You will never be happy with this man because he will always try to control you, at least that is how I “see it.”
However, the issue is deeper for you because you report that, in an earlier relationship, the same issuess appeared. Why does this keep happening to you?
It is common for all of us to repeat past problems in an effort to find solutions. Past problems most often refer back to when we were growing up. Perhaps your father or mother was jealous of each other. Perhaps you experienced or witnessed some other problems in your family and those problems are being repeated as exemplified by the types of men you choose.
My suggestion is that you enter psychotherapy in order to learn how to avoid the same pattern of behaviors that have recently plagued you.
Best of Luck
