Summary
A reader wonders whether a partner placing a hand around their neck during intimacy indicates a need for control. They have tolerated the behavior but are uncertain about their own comfort and boundaries.
The response says the partner’s motives cannot be determined from the letter and places the reader’s discomfort ahead of generalized claims about what people supposedly enjoy.
It distinguishes tolerating a practice from wanting it and affirms that the reader can refuse behavior that feels uncomfortable and communicate personal limits.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldDr. Schwartz, I’ve been wondering if holding a partner’s throat during sex could be a sign of needing dominance or control. My partner sometimes wraps his hand around my neck when I’m on top, but since he does not squeeze or do anything to alarm me, I tolerated it.
But I do wonder if this could indicate control issues. On the other hand, there are so many "tips" out there about what women like in bed, like slapping, biting, etc., so maybe holding someone’s throat is just another one of those things. I’d appreciate any thoughts or advice! Thanks!
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.I am making an educated guess that you are asking this question because you are not comfortable with your partner holding your neck. In fact, you write that "since he did not squeeze or do anything to alarm you, you tolerated it." "Tolerating" a sexual practice is very far from liking or enjoying it. Frankly, that should be your guide and not what you read in books.
Different people and intimate couples engage in wide varieties of sexual behaviors that other couples find objectionable. All that really matters with regard to this is what feels right to the individual and, then, to the couple. I cannot blame you for not enjoying having your neck held but that is just my opinion. I don’t even like to wear turtle neck shirts or shirts with ties. Again, this is a matter of individual preference and trust between you and your partner.
I am not able to comment on the motives that drive your partner because I do not know him and have no way of making such a judgment. Even then, it does not matter if you are not comfortable. Yes, some people, male or female, enjoy being slapped, or bitten, or tied, etc, or all of these. There is nothing wrong if that is what "turns them on," no one’s life is threatened, no one is truly harmed and the practices are enjoyed by both people because they are having fun.
There is nothing wrong for refusing to do what upsets you or makes you uncomfortable in any way at all. Set the limits that are important to you.
I hope this helps.
