Summary
A reader repeatedly snaps at a spouse and coworkers over small frustrations and regrets the resulting arguments. They recognize patterns learned from parents and want to create a calmer home for their child.
The response describes how conflict modeled in childhood can become a learned way of expressing needs, while suggesting that frustration and feelings of helplessness may sustain the pattern.
It recommends psychotherapy, particularly Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), to develop different responses and explore possible accompanying depression rather than relying only on telling oneself to stay calm.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI've been trying to understand myself, but I just can't seem to figure it out. I think I need help. I find myself snapping at my husband over small things, like when he forgets to take the garbage out or doesn’t buy the groceries I asked for. These are things that could be discussed calmly, but instead I get angry too quickly and react in a way I regret. It upsets him, and it usually leads to an argument and lingering tension between us.
I think part of this comes from how I was raised. My parents argued in front of me and my brother all the time. My mom would often start fights over little things, and I’ve realized I’ve picked up some of those habits. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I especially don’t want to be that kind of parent. I want something different for my child.
Growing up, I argued with my parents a lot because I thought it was normal. I saw disrespect in my home, so I started acting the same way. Now I’m doing it in my own life, not just at home but even at work. Lately, I’ve been getting angry when coworkers don’t follow instructions properly. Sometimes I even snap at them, and afterward I feel ashamed. That’s not the kind of person I want to be.
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I keep telling myself to stay calm, to let things go, and to not overreact. I try to remind myself that these things are not the end of the world. But when something happens in the moment, I still find myself raising my voice or reacting harshly. I hear it happening, and I know it’s not right, but I can’t seem to stop it.
I’m really struggling with this. I want to be better. I want to control my emotions instead of letting them control me. I want to speak with kindness, even when I’m frustrated. Most of all, I want to create a peaceful home for my child. I don’t want them growing up surrounded by anger and tension. I need help to make that change.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Essentially, you have figured yourself out but do not know how to control your angry reactions. Let’s explore the roots of your problem.
One of the most powerful ways we learn during childhood, and continues in adulthood, is what is called, “observational learning” Another way of stating this is learning from role models. Your parents role modelled bickering and arguing over trivial things. You learned through observing your parents, that the only way to express needs is through confrontation and conflict. Its likely that one or both of your parents learned the same thing and in the same way during their childhoods. Yes, it gets passed down from generation to generation unless the cycle is broken. Breaking the cycle is what you want to do so that your son learns a better way of coping.
However, this does not answer the question of what the source of your anger may be? What comes across loud and clear is that you experience strong feelings of helplessness when it comes to what you want and expect from others. For example, you expect your husband to do certain domestic chores. When he fails to carry them out you experience enormous frustration out of feeling helpless to influence his behavior. So, you lash out and the argument begins. This cycle is repeated at work where you become so irritated that you explode at certain people.
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All of this ends in feelings of futility because it is human nature to resist being yelled at. Instead of getting what you want and need, people continue to disappoint you, adding fuel to your fire. They might not be consciously aware that this is what they are doing but, many of our behaviors are just outside of full awareness.
Feeling helpless is part of what we call the “helpless and hopeless’ syndrome. That syndrome is either a result of depression or cause of depression. So, in addition to external factors that makes your anger explode is the possibility that you are depressed. Depression and anger often accompany one another.
I suggest you enter psychotherapy as a way of breaking up this entire unsatisfactory way of living. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is a good way to go because it is an excellent way to learn new and healthier patterns of behavior to replace the old, maladaptive ways. This can also help you relieve depression and enable you to feel more in control of your life.
Best of luck.
