Summary
A reader is shocked after a husband suddenly leaves a long marriage and refuses counseling despite saying he still loves them. They wonder whether depression explains his decision and whether the marriage can be saved.
The response notes that wanting a divorce does not establish depression and that his motives cannot be determined without meaningful communication.
It cautions against relying on speculation or hopes of reversal, while emphasizing support for the children and advice that protects the family’s interests as the separation proceeds.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been with my husband for nine years and married for four. We have three children. Three months ago, he suddenly left and said our relationship was over. He’s 35, and I always thought things between us were good. People often commented on how connected we seemed. We weren’t overly affectionate in public, but it was clear we loved each other. We were best friends and soulmates.
The day he left, I was shocked. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he immediately said no. I explained that if he no longer wanted to be with me, divorce would eventually be necessary. His response was, "I suppose we will get divorced then," with no emotion.
I’m still confused. He was affectionate right up until he left, even initiating sex days before. When I asked why, he said he was trying to make the marriage work. He now says he regrets not telling me how he felt but insists it’s too late. He hasn’t changed his mind and refuses to talk about it or try to fix anything.
I don’t think there’s another woman, although I can't be certain. He says he still loves me, finds me attractive, and thinks I’m a good wife and mother but he says he sees me more as a friend than a wife and that the spark is gone.
I’ve done everything I can to save the marriage. He refuses to go to counseling or make any effort, not even for the children. He says he’s 100% sure and has no doubts. I asked how long he had felt this way before leaving, and he said two months. That doesn’t feel like enough time to give up on a marriage.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Its clear that you are both shocked and confused about why this man wants a divorce. In fact, you keep asking is he really wants a divorce. I am not sure why you keep asking that question because he has made it perfectly clear that this is his intention and nothing will change his mind. Maybe you're asking that question because you're still in complete shock. The type of situation you are in is all to common. I fully agree with you that he must have been dissatisfied with the marriage for a lot longer than two months. Likely, like most spouses, the signs and symptoms were there but you overlooked and dismissed them.
You are making every effort to explain to yourself why this happened. However, in his refusal to speak about his reasons, you are left with no idea about what his complaints were.
People do not divorce because of job dissatisfaction. They do not usually divorce because of depression unless the non-depressed partner wants out. In fact, you really have no idea whether or not he’s depressed. By the way, wanting a divorce does not make him mentally ill. I know you want to believe this because it would provide some explanation. In my opinion there is no use for you to speculate about his motivations. As the saying goes, “You are spinning your wheels.”
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You are even hoping that he will regret his decision once its too late. I doubt that will happen because he is so very determined. However, I do not have a crystal ball and anything is possible. If I were you I would not pin my hopes on it.
I must tell you that I find it somewhat baffling when you state that you still love this man. After all, he is ignoring his children and that is something truly outrageous. People divorce without walking away from their children. They may give up their spouse, car, house but not their children. This is why I have to question you’re still loving him. I believe you need to think about it.
In my opinion you are quite right to file for divorce. I hope you are consulting an attorney to protect your rights as well as those of the children. When you go to court, it will be interesting to see if he wants shared custody of the children. This is an important question because they need their father and they need to know he loves them, divorce or not.
Best of luck.
Subject matter expert
Simone Hoermann Ph.D.
Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression
View experience