Summary
A college student repeatedly returns to a high-school relationship but feels lonely and uncertain during separation. She wants both the familiar connection and opportunities to discover herself.
The response interprets the conflict as part of the transition to college and separation from an earlier stage of life.
The author suggests allowing space to explore new experiences and grieve the old relationship, while presenting that reading as an opinion rather than a universal rule for long-distance couples.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldLast year, I started my first year of college while still in a relationship with my high school boyfriend. We had been together for two years and decided to try a long-distance relationship because we loved each other and wanted to make it work. Once college began, it felt harder than expected and I became depressed and lonely.
Eventually I broke up with him and tried to date other people thinking it would be easier, it wasn't. I mostly felt unfulfilled and missed the connection I had with him. Now after several breakups and attempts at dating others, as well as hurting people along the way, we’ve gotten back together. Things are better than they were last yea but I still struggle with the same thoughts.
I truly love him and when we're together I feel incredibly happy but when he's gone I feel different. Sometimes I think about other men, wonder what it would be like to be single again and question how sustainable this is. Part of me wants to leave the relationship to figure out who I am and what I really want. At the same time, I’ve been down that road and at the end of it I still wanted him.
Is it normal to feel this way in a long-distance college relationship, or could there be something deeper going on?
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.First, let me assure you that what you are going through is very normal. It’s difficult to make the transition from home to college. That transition often means leaving old friends, including boyfriends and best friends. In other words, it’s hard to leave home and begin the next stage of life.
In my opinion, it is not the long distance nature of the relationship that is causing you so much confusion. Rather, it’s making that move from home to college and life apart from everyone from you past life. In fact, anxiety and depression are common and normal reactions to the first and even second year of school. In a way, your impulse to return to your High School sweetheart has more to do with trying to hold on to the past than anything else.
Many people like you and your boyfriend decide to end the relationship during college years and with the understanding that each will pursue other relationships. If, when school is over, they feel the same about each other, they resume their former status. It is my guess that, in most cases, people move on after four years of college because their is so little in common with each other. After all, life changes a lot in four years. Let me add that, just like you, young people want to find out who they are by pursuing new activities and interests, including those that are romantic.
Show moreShow less
It seems to me that you know what you want, which is to date new people and have a new life but cling to this High School boy because of sadness, and depression about the past. Remaining with him will not help you make the necessary adjustments. It seems to me that it makes sense for you to tough it out while you go through the mourning process of the old relationship so that you can begin anew. Remember, you can always go back to one another in the future.
Best of luck.
