Summary
A woman has ended an exhausting relationship but continued contact keeps drawing her back into discussion. She wants to end the pattern firmly while managing her own uncertainty.
The response emphasizes making and maintaining a personal decision rather than continuing debates about it.
It recommends no further contact if ending the relationship is her choice, and distinguishes incompatibility with an individual from rejecting someone because of a bipolar diagnosis.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half. Due to his persistence and my own difficulty standing firm, I agreed to stay in contact as “friends,” keeping in touch through emails and phone calls. Even at the time, I sensed this was his way of keeping one foot in the door. Now, I’m certain it is doing more harm than good for both of us.
Despite the intimacy and passion we shared, I no longer believe we have a future together. He says he wants to wait for me to “figure things out.” The truth is, the relationship leaves me emotionally exhausted and quietly erodes my self-confidence, something I have told him directly.
We are both single parents. I have my children full time, while he has his part time. I have struggled with depression, coming from a family affected by alcoholism, and I left a controlling marriage. He has been diagnosed with bipolar type II and has a history of addiction. We each see professional counselors, although I am currently on a waitlist to resume therapy.
What I struggle with most is finding the courage, clarity, and method to end this for good. He is intelligent, successful, and highly skilled at steering conversations. I worry that any attempt to break away will spiral into exhausting debates full of semantics and “misunderstandings,” trapping me in the same cycle.
We are in our 30s, yet this entire situation feels immature and unproductive. I know it needs to end. How do I move forward without getting pulled back in?
— In Limbo.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Hi “In Limbo,”
If you really want to end this relationship what stops you from doing so? The problem is not that your ex boyfriend uses words to manipulate you but that you allow yourself to be manipulated. What I mean is that when someone wants to end a relationship, they end it without any discussion. Yet, you continue to discuss this with him.
I have to ask why you continue to talk things over with this man? As I read your email question I kept asking myself why you mention that he has a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder? Do you fear that, if you breakup with him he will attempt suicide? I also read that you have a history of depression. Do you fear that if you breakup with him, you will become depressed? I can’t help but think that something is keeping you connected to this n that has more to do with you than with him. Whatever that something is, it is keeping you in limbo.
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No person can tell you what you should do because you are the best judge of your life. All I can say is that, if you want to put a stop to this relationship then do it and with no further contact. There is nothing more to talk about. If this sounds callous, I am sorry but, in your own best interests, you may need to become harder in your resolve to make decisions and opt for what you want rather than what the other person wants.
I think that is the point. Evidently, in your marriage, you allowed your ex to manipulate you and you are repeating the situation. Allowing that is a defense against being firm or against the fear of reprisals. However, you are an adult and are supposed to make choices for yourself and your children.
You want to end the relationship? End it, and with no further discussion or contact. Be firm. Be strong.
By the way, you are not breaking up with “Bipolar.” You are breaking up with someone who is not right for you.
Best of luck.
Subject matter expert
Simone Hoermann Ph.D.
Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression
View experience