Summary
A woman worries about her boyfriend’s ten-year-old daughter’s intense attachment after divorce. She feels excluded and asks how the family can develop a healthier balance.
The response interprets the child’s behavior in the context of separation from her mother and asks the adults to acknowledge their own relationship needs.
It recommends clearer adult boundaries and considering couples or family therapy, rather than treating the child’s behavior alone as proof of a mental health disorder.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, and I want to share what has been going on.
He has a 10-year-old daughter who lives with him full time. Her mother lives out of state and only sees her during holidays. After their divorce about three years ago, the daughter lived with her mom for a year but begged to move back in with her dad. Since then, she has been extremely clingy.
She constantly stays close to him. No one can have a conversation with him without her standing nearby. My boyfriend does not maintain adult friendships, and when he did, she would act as if those friends were hers too.
We have separated a few times because it became too difficult for me to handle. On a recent trip to Disney World with my family, it became even more clear. She clung to him the entire time. No one could sit next to him, take a photo with him, or even touch him without her stepping in. At one point, I rubbed his hair and she immediately started rubbing his back, almost mirroring me.
I understand that children need time to adjust after a divorce, but this feels like more than that. She acts more like a partner than a daughter, and it is concerning. He does not seem to notice, but I worry about her mental and emotional well-being. She seems fine as long as she is involved in every part of his life, but the moment he talks to someone else or socializes, she becomes visibly upset and clings to him.
He is a great person, and I care about both of them, but this dynamic is not healthy. I truly believe she needs to talk to someone, and maybe he does too.
I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this.
Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.For some reason, you leave you out of this family dynamic. For instance, you talk about father and daughter being involved in something that is not good for either of them. Don’t you really mean that this girl gets in the way of your relationship with dad and that makes you very angry? My guess is that the answer if “yes.”
It seems to me that the daughter’s behavior is not at all strange. Unable to have a relationship with her mother, she clings to dad. In her clinging to dad she is trying to eliminate any rivals who might interfere with her and dad. You are one of those rivals. Dad’s problem is that he permits it. Judging from the way you have written this email, leaving yourself and your feelings out, my sense is that you are also permitting this girl to continue this type of behavior. Perhaps you have told your boyfriend how much this bothers you. Perhaps not. It seems to me that your concern should be more how you feel left out and less about the mental health of the daughter.
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Dad needs to start setting limits with this girl. In this case, limits are that, when he is talking to you, she is not to interfere. In fact, she is not to interfere at all. You and he are the adults and she is the child. She will feel more comfortable in that role. At the moment she is being allowed to have too much control and this is what is really bad for her. Also, dad needs to see to your adult needs as well as his. With this in mind, I suspect it is you and he who should go to couple’s or family therapy more than her.
My advice is that you fight for your relationship with him. It would be better for you, her and him if you did so.
Good luck.
