Summary
A man in a loving relationship describes intrusive doubts about his sexuality recurring alongside depression. He asks whether unwanted thoughts mean he is bisexual or could reflect an obsessive pattern.
The response offers the author’s impression that the doubts may concern feared judgments rather than attraction, while affirming there is nothing wrong with same-sex desire.
It suggests exploring the source of the worries and placing less emphasis on labels; it does not establish a diagnosis.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI'm a 24-year-old man. I’ve had sex with four women and have been romantically involved with around twelve. I've genuinely enjoyed all of those experiences, especially with my current girlfriend, whom I love and feel very close to. However, I’ve struggled with depression in the past, including a severe episode when I was 18. During that time, I experienced intrusive and obsessive thoughts about being gay even though I didn’t feel any actual desire to be with another man. Those thoughts eventually faded, but they’ve recently come back.
Right now, I’m feeling depressed again and am taking Effexor. The return of these thoughts is really unsettling and confusing. I still love my girlfriend and have a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. These thoughts don’t reflect how I feel, but they keep intruding, making me wonder if this could be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
I don’t believe I’m bisexual, I don’t have a genuine attraction to men, but the intrusive nature of these thoughts is hard to ignore. Any insight, especially from those who’ve experienced something similar or from a clinical perspective, would mean a lot.
Answer
Ann LandersFrom what you tell me I do not think that you are bisexual or gay. Even if you do have some desire to be with a man there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like you are mostly paranoid that other people will think that you are gay. Did something happen when you were growing up or recently that makes you think you are gay? For example, where you teased about it. Finding the source if possible for your thoughts will help to alleviate them.
My best advice for you is to be confident in your sexuality, and not to worry what to label it. Hope this helps. – Anne
