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Summary
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An engaged woman feels bored by stability and drawn toward risky or harmful experiences, while describing jealousy and past emotional abuse in her relationship. She feels ashamed and asks what these patterns mean and how to understand them.
The response rejects self-condemning labels and explores dissatisfaction or past experiences as possibilities rather than established causes.
It encourages considering emotional and sexual compatibility and consulting a mental health professional when the pattern remains confusing, while distinguishing mutually agreed sexual interests from actual harm.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’m a 27 year old woman and I have a fiancee who is good to me most of the time but has been emotionally abusive in the past. He is a very jealous type. We have fights which are very difficult. Also, even when we’re “happy,” I have thoughts of cheating on him. For example, I recently pursued a sexual relationship with another man.
\nAny time my fiancee and I are “happy” I feel bored, like, it’s not enough. I have this need to feel used for sex or have something illicit done in order for me to feel excitement. This other man I almost had sex with doesn’t treat me very well but is eager to have sex and, that excites me in a depraved way. I find that exciting whereas a stable relationship by itself makes me feel bored and miserable.
\nI feel so bored with a stable relationship that I think, “Is this all that life is?” It’s like I have to do something risky and possibly self harming to alleviate my unhappiness. I am also into rough sex to the point of feeling violated.
\nPlease tell me what is wrong with me? I want to be a good person but I feel like there’s a monster inside me especially since I am a Christian woman who is engaged to be married soon. Am I some kind of a pervert?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Clearly, you are alarmed and worried about the behaviors you describe. However, you are condemning yourself because you feel guilty about these behaviors. Guilt is never helpful. So, what are the factors that could be motivating you to think and behave in the ways you describe?
\nOne possibility is that you feel bored in your relationship with your fiancee. Women are just as sexual as men. The problem is that, in the past, society had a dim view of female sex. Advances in psychology and politics changed how sex was viewed for both men and women so that it was no longer something fraught with sin. The double standard was ended where only men could enjoy sex. Now it is well established that the female drive is just as powerful as that of the male’s.
\nTherefore, if your fiancee is not a good lover, from your point of view, then, you will feel bored and unexcited. As a result, you will feel bored and want to “spice it up” with other men. Even arguing can feel like spicing it up. In other words, you may feel as though sex with this man is not exciting.
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The fact is that you have every right to feel sexually gratified by your lover. Therefore, you need to ask yourself whether or not this man pleases you. If the answer is no, then, he is the wrong man for you. Recent studies show that, when a woman has doubts about the man before marriage, there is a good chance that it will end in divorce.
\nIf none of this is true in your case then there is another possibility. When people have been sexually or physically abused during childhood, the frequent aftermath is troubled relationships from a sexual and interpersonal point of view.
\nMany people who seek sexual adventures were abused as children. They are repeating what happened to them when they were kids. Partly, this is a form of self punishment just like what happened at the hands of punitive parents. Partly, sexual adventures are a way to avoid sexual and emotional intimacy, the kind of intimacy that is associated with successful marriages.
\nYou are not a “pervert” because there is no limit to the varieties and types of sexual experiences people seek. One persons happy sexual way of relating may seem like a perversion to another. Worst, the word perversion is self derogatory. Lots of normal and healthy people like to role play in their sexual intimacy. That role play can even include one being the dominant one and the other be the submissive one. Those roles are often reversed. As long as two people agree with each other about sex, there is not problem at all.
\nYou really need to ask youself some questions: 1) Is this the right man for you, both physically and emotionally? or 2) Were you abused as a child, either phsyically or sexually and are you avoiding real intimacy?
\nUltimately, if you remain confused or if you did suffer abuse, then, you can consult and seek the advice of a mental health expert such as a psychologist or clinical social worker.
\nRemember, having strong sexual feelings does not make you a bad person. Settling for a husband who cannot satisfy your needs will make you and unhappy person.
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