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Summary
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A father wants to reconcile with his former girlfriend after frequent partying and flirting damaged their relationship. He sees signs of closeness but is confused by her uncertainty and worries about their young daughter's future.
The response emphasizes taking responsibility for his behavior instead of explaining it away or blaming his former partner.
It recommends individual psychotherapy and patience, describing her caution as understandable after damaged confidence and stressing that consistent change over time matters more than trying to obtain immediate reassurance.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI was hoping you can help.
\nMy girlfriend and I were dating for almost 4 years before we broke up. We were living together and everything was fine. We even have a 3 year old daughter. I guess, according to what I can find out, I have “Peter Pan Syndrome.”
\nIn the last year or so in our relationship I starting going out too much and hanging out with my friends a lot more. I would leave them at home while I would have “fun.” I would always ask her if I could go out and she would say that she didn’t mind, or she would give me a simple no.
\nThings got worse and worse. When she traveled to Boston, I had nothing to do but go out with my friends. I will admit that I do flirt with other girls, but NOTHING comes out of it. I always knew that I’m going home alone and thats that! Well, she looked through my cell phone and saw text messages between my friend and I about me dancing with some other girl and how he and I were joking about it. She wasn’t happy. She said that this was the last straw and she broke up with me.
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Now, here we are 5 months later and I am trying to work things out. It didn’t help my case one bit that I would go out every weekend after she and I broke up and I partied all the time, (But, nothing out of control to where it becomes a drinking problem).
\nShe is saying that she has issues trusting me and that she will never know if this will work. My main concern is our daughter. I don’t want her to be raised without both parents and yes, I do love my ex a lot!
\nI want this to work out between us. For the past month and a half I have been over at my old house, (She lives there now with our daughter), and I’m spending a lot more time. She is more accepting of me touching her, (Rubbing her back, scratching her head), but nothing sexual. I feel that something is going in the right direction, and, when I ask her, she still says that she doesn’t know, and that is the confusing part.
\nAm I reading too much into all of this? I want to go to counseling with her, but, she doesn’t have the time because she has a very busy work schedule. I keep asking her to get something going, but to no avail.
\nWhat can I do to get her to know that this can work again? I really don’t want my daughter raised by anybody else but us two. I am honestly trying my hardest to stop going out. I haven’t been going out since I started hanging out with her more.
\nWhat are my options? I sometimes feel we are moving in the right direction, but sometimes I feel dead in the water.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.I have to be blunt in telling you that there are a many things that come across in your E. Mail as disingenuous or just plain dishonest. For example, you justify your going out to hang out when she was away in Boston because you were alone. Then, you rationalize that you always came home alone. That makes going out justifiable? Even before that, you would ask her permission to go out. Evidently, she sometimes said yes but at other times she refused. Are you trying to blame her for your going out because she would sometimes say, “yes?” That you would ask permission to hang out with friends when you were in an intimate relationship and the father of a small child, was extremely irresponsible on your part.
\nYour ex girlfriend, who, I am sure, was quite suspicious of your behavior, checked your cell phone and found text messages in which you admit to having danced with other women. What were you thinking at the time? Did your really think these actions wouldn’t come back to haunt you? Did you think about your child then and how your behavior could affect her? Evidently, you did not think about consequences at all.
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You admit to flirting with women but say that nothing came of it. You admit to drinking while out partying but say that it did not get out of control. How much drinking is “out of control?” Why do you need to state that at all unless you very well know that your drinking is a problem. I don’t know who you are trying to fool, me, your girlfriend, yourself or all of us? All through your E. Mail, I get the strong impression that you do not blame yourself for what has happened. I can almost see you telling me, “Well, she went to Boston, what should I have done? Or, saying, “I asked her permission to go out and she said yes, isn’t that her fault?” Now, you even blame her for not going for couple’s counseling because she’s too busy.
\nIf I appear to be harsh the reason is that someone or something, in addition to your girlfriend, has to shake you into awareness so that you take responsibility for yourself, your daughter, your relationship and your life.
\nIf you are serious about repairing your relationship you will have to begin with repairing yourself. You need to start psychotherapy so that you can change these dysfunctional ways of behaving. In fact, it almost seems that you did all you could to push your girlfriend and daughter away from you. I can’t say that as a fact but only as a sensation or “gut feeling” based on what you have written.
\nIn addition to going into psychotherapy, you are going to have to be very patient with you ex. You violated a basic trust that are the very foundation upon which intimate relationships are built. It is going to take a long time to rebuild that trust. Your girlfriend is not saying anything confusing. She is being cautious so you don’t hurt her again.
\nGood Luck.
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