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Summary
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A college student describes frequent arguments and accusations of jealousy during a four-year relationship. He feels they bring out the worst in each other and asks whether ending it is fair, especially because his girlfriend lives with his family.
The response says he is entitled to end a relationship when his feelings have changed and that remaining solely from obligation can harm both partners.
It favors a direct face-to-face conversation where possible and acknowledges that his girlfriend's living arrangement makes the practical discussion about ending the relationship more complicated.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been with the same girl for over four years. I’m off at college and she stays at my house with my family. We have never gone more than a couple of days without getting into a huge fight about something.
\nIt’s always about little stuff like, I didn’t put the letter “I” in front of a text message that said “Love you,” or I didn’t hold her hand and act all “lovey-dovey” right after one of these huge fights. This causes another fight about how I don’t love her.
\nShe also is always accusing me of liking other girls, especially my ex when I don’t even talk to any other girls besides her, my family, and some of the ones at my church. We can never seem to agree on anything and it seems like, when we are together, we bring out the absolute worst in each other.
\nI feel like there is just something that doesn’t work between us, but she doesn’t feel the same. Is it fair that she is still head-over-heels in love with me, but I can’t stand being around her half the time?
\nShould we stay together, or should we break up? And, if we should break up, how would/should I go about doing it?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.There is a handy rule of thumb that, when people go off to college, all dating relationships are put on hold and that each in the relationship has the right to date. All future decisions are postponed until college is over, with the right to date other people, even if this leads to ending the present relationship. This is what should have been arranged between the two of you.
\nMost definitely you have the right to break up with this girl even if she tells you how much she loves you. In fact, if you do not feel the same way about her, you have an obligation to break up so that neither of you ends up with a disaster sous future. What I mean, staying with someone out of obligation is never a good idea, especially if you do not love her.
\nYou do have a complication that has to do with your girlfriend living in your house. How did this ever come to be? Now, you are faced with the complication of breaking up with her and getting her out of your house. In my opinion, you have to face the proverbial music and tell her that it’s over and that she must move.
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How to do this. I believe it’s necessary to have a face to face discussion with her when you are home from school. If school is far away and you cannot come home, then you will have to talk to over the phone. But, face to face is much better with the advance message that the two of you need to talk when you return home.
\nBy the way, ending a relationship is never easy or fare but is necessary when someone feels the way you do. What I mean is that your dissatisfaction with her and the situation comes through loud and clear.
\nFinally, my guess is that you knew all of this when you wrote to me and just needed confirmation. Well, you have it.
\nBest of luck
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