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Summary
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A woman in a loving long-term relationship feels insecure, jealous of her partner’s support network, and fearful of being left. She worries that relying so heavily on her partner is weakening the relationship.
The answer encourages strengthening self-esteem and developing independent connections rather than making the partner the sole source of happiness.
It suggests a self-help group or class as a way to meet others and build qualities she admires, framing personal growth as supportive of the relationship.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI am a lesbian woman. I’ve been in a very deep relationship for over 3 years now. My whole life has changed in many positive ways. I’m 27, but feel as though I can’t get past certain fears and insecurities.
\nI know this has to be hard on my lover because she’s a very secure woman, a little older than me, and one of the strongest people I have ever met. She possess great morals and values that were never taught to me growing up, so through the years she’s become my mentor, my best friend, and my everything. She has roots – a family, sisters, friends – that I have never had.
\nSometimes I can become very jealous/angry that I don’t have these things. I feel so childish – even acting childish at times. I begin to feel as though I share her with everyone, but then I feel as though I smother her. I can’t just relax.
\nI begin to stress, thinking she’s pulling away from me. I’m the emotional one in this relationship. And even though I try hard not to cry, I end up doing so every time I turn around.
\nI feel as though she might be losing something for me, so I’m trying to hold on for dear life. I don’t know how to be a stronger woman, and i think it’s driving a nail into this relationship. I’m beginning to see that she doesn’t have patience with my emotions anymore. Is there any advice you can share with me?
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Answer
Ann LandersDo you remember the old clich? you have to first love yourself before you can love someone else? Well, I strongly believe this cliché? to be true.
\nI think you need to work on your self-esteem before it begins to affect not only you, but your partner as well. Your girlfriend sounds like a very strong, independent woman, so I’m sure that she is probably very put off by your actions. Insecurity can be a very unattractive quality.
\nYou’re dooming this relationship yourself – you’re so afraid of losing this woman that you’re acting in ways that will only push her farther away.
\nYou mentioned that you are jealous of her roots…well, isn’t it about time to start some roots of your own? You said that she is your everything. That’s great, but I’m afraid that perhaps you are overly relying on her for your happiness.
\nWhat qualities do you most admire about your partner? You mentioned how strong and independent she is. Why not adopt some of these qualities? Why not join a local self-help group or class? This would allow you to both work on your esteem as well as meet new people.
\nYou’re going to have to change the things about yourself that you don’t like before you can be totally happy in any relationship.
\nHope that helps, – Anne
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