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Summary
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A friendship is becoming a romantic relationship, and one person fears hurting the other or committing before they are ready. Their closeness and rapidly growing feelings make the next steps feel uncertain.
The answer views the existing friendship and open communication as strengths and encourages sharing the fears honestly.
It suggests discussing feelings as the relationship progresses and being clear if the relationship no longer feels right, rather than letting the other person assume a commitment that is not there.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI am just starting out in a relationship that has the potential for turning into something long term. We were friends first; I tell him everything and he does the same with me. I care about him deeply, and am afraid to let the relationship progress any further, because I’m afraid that in some way I’m going to hurt him. I saw how much pain he suffered when his last girlfriend hurt him, and I don’t ever want to do that to him. I have no intension of hurting him, but we are so close. Another problem I have is that I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. I’m afraid to commit. I know we both have very strong feelings for each other, but it hasn’t been until recently that we’ve acted on them. Things are moving fast. I care about him so much that I just want to make sure he’s happy. If I care about him as much as I do, why am I so scared to continue with this?
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Answer
Ann LandersIt has always been my opinion that strong relationships are usually the result of strong friendships. It sounds as though the relationship you have with your friend has the potential to turn into something very special. I’m glad the two of you realize how important honesty is in a relationship. Why not continue being honest with him, and tell him about your concerns? Why don’t you let him know that you are afraid of hurting him? Things are probably moving fast because the two of you already know so much about each other. This can be good and bad. It’s good because you truly know one another. You can by-pass all that getting to know you stuff and jump right to the romance. It’s also bad because you are more likely to get swept away in all of the emotions you are feeling. Use your friendship to your advantage, but think before you act. It sounds as though the lines of communication are clearly open between the two of you. Make use of this. Each time you take your relationship to the next level, discuss what you are feeling with him. My guess is that the worst thing you could do is lead him on. If you find that he is not the right guy for you, let him know immediately. We usually suffer the most when our significant other breaks up with us out of the blue. Good luck with your relationship and remember, romance doesn’t ruin all friendships… Sincerely, – Anne
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