{"formatVersion":"1.1","id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past","path":"/answers/my-wifes-past","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past","title":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","family":"Answers detail","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage.","language":"en-US","access":{"audience":"custom-shared-preview","indexable":true},"provenance":{"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","wordpressId":"6244","contentCompleteness":"complete","dateScope":"original-source"},"authors":[{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers"}],"reviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson"},"dates":{"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:15Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T09:43:07Z","lastReviewed":"2025-09-15"},"content":{"html":"<nav class=\"breadcrumbs\" aria-label=\"Breadcrumb\"><ol><li><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/\">Home</a></li><li><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers\">Answers</a></li><li><span aria-current=\"page\">How should I deal with my wife’s past?</span></li></ol></nav><div class=\"article-page answer-page\" data-answer-template=\"conversation\"><header class=\"answer-heading article-heading\"><a class=\"answer-back\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers\">Answers</a><h1>How should I deal with my wife’s past?</h1><div class=\"answer-credits\"><a class=\"answer-credit-person\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/80b8e1a76768e1ea081ddaf9.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"40\" height=\"40\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"><span><span class=\"answer-credit-role\">Written by</span><span class=\"answer-credit-name\">Ann Landers</span></span></a><a class=\"answer-credit-person\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"40\" height=\"40\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"><span><span class=\"answer-credit-role\">Medically reviewed by</span><span class=\"answer-credit-name\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</span></span></a></div><dl class=\"answer-heading-dates\"><div><dt>Published</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2024-06-01T00:35:15Z\">June 1, 2024</time></dd></div><div><dt>Updated</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2026-06-05T09:43:07Z\">June 5, 2026</time></dd></div><div><dt>Reviewed</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-09-15\">September 15, 2025</time></dd></div></dl></header><nav class=\"answer-nav\" aria-label=\"Answer navigation\"><a href=\"#summary\">Summary</a><a href=\"#question\">Question</a><a href=\"#answer\">Answer</a></nav><article class=\"prose\" id=\"article-content\" data-answer-thread aria-label=\"Reader question and professional response\"><section class=\"answer-overview\" id=\"summary\" aria-labelledby=\"summary-title\"><h2 id=\"summary-title\">Summary</h2><figure class=\"answer-question-image\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/d1d913bee5a996be82d3ceb0.webp\" alt=\"A couple walking together through a garden\" width=\"1000\" height=\"667\" fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\"></figure><p>A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection.</p><p>The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve.</p><p>It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them.</p></section><div class=\"answer-originals\" id=\"original-conversation\"><div class=\"answer-originals-body\"><section class=\"answer-post answer-question\" id=\"question\" aria-labelledby=\"question-person\"><div class=\"answer-avatar answer-reader\" aria-hidden=\"true\">?</div><div class=\"answer-post-content\"><header class=\"answer-person\"><h2 id=\"question-person\">Question</h2><span>Reader · Identity withheld</span></header><p>As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. </p>\n<p>My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY?</p>\n<p>She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for.</p>\n<p>I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.</p></div></section><section class=\"answer-post answer-response\" id=\"answer\" aria-labelledby=\"response-person\"><a class=\"answer-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\" aria-label=\"View Ann Landers profile\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/80b8e1a76768e1ea081ddaf9.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"44\" height=\"44\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div class=\"answer-post-content\"><header class=\"answer-person\"><h2 id=\"response-person\">Answer</h2><span>Ann Landers</span></header><p>We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it.</p>\n<p>These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex.</p>\n<p>Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you.</p>\n<p>Hope that helps,</p>\n<p>– Anne</p></div></section></div></div></article><div class=\"answer-endmatter\"><section class=\"article-expert answer-expert-card\" aria-label=\"Subject matter expert\" data-expert-kind=\"related\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel\" tabindex=\"-1\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/8e1ee0ec187d4c3ff0be4ad3.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div class=\"answer-expert-copy\"><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Subject matter expert</p><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel\">Carlos Protzel <span class=\"expert-credentials\">Psy.D.</span></a></h2><p class=\"article-expert-focus\">Integrative mental health care</p><a class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"article-topic-community\" aria-label=\"Related communities\"><img class=\"topic-community-banner\" src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/785fd7ff3dc1e8ee0699077b.webp\" alt=\"\" width=\"48\" height=\"48\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"><p class=\"topic-community-label\">Related communities</p><h2>Marriage</h2><p>A space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life.</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/community/marriage\">Explore community</a></section><section class=\"answer-author-card answer-reviewer-card\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/80b8e1a76768e1ea081ddaf9.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div><span class=\"answer-reviewer-label\">Author</span><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\">Ann Landers</a></h2><p>Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\" class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"answer-author-card answer-reviewer-card\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\"></a><div><span class=\"answer-reviewer-label\">Medical reviewer</span><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</a></h2><p>Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\" class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"answer-related\"><h2>Related questions</h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/wife-of-21-years-has-a-boyfriend\">Why does my wife of 21 years have a boyfriend?</a><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/why-does-my-wifes-old-boyfriend-bother-me\">Why does my wife’s old boyfriend bother me?</a><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/unexpressive-partner\">How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?</a></section></div></div>","text":"HomeAnswersHow should I deal with my wife’s past?AnswersHow should I deal with my wife’s past?Written byAnn LandersMedically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.PublishedJune 1, 2024UpdatedJune 5, 2026ReviewedSeptember 15, 2025SummaryQuestionAnswerSummaryA man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection.The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve.It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them.?QuestionReader · Identity withheldAs a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.AnswerAnn LandersWe’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – AnneSubject matter expertCarlos Protzel Psy.D.Integrative mental health careView experienceRelated communitiesMarriageA space for perspectives on partnership, communication, and the changing experiences of married life.Explore communityAuthorAnn LandersAnn Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.View experienceMedical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D.Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…View experienceRelated questionsWhy does my wife of 21 years have a boyfriend?Why does my wife’s old boyfriend bother me?How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?","wordCount":614},"schema":{"@context":"https://schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#organization","name":"MentalHealth.com","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/"},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#website","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/","name":"MentalHealth.com","inLanguage":"en-US","publisher":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#organization"}},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Answers","item":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","item":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past"}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#primaryimage","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/d1d913bee5a996be82d3ceb0.webp","contentUrl":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/d1d913bee5a996be82d3ceb0.webp","width":1000,"height":667,"encodingFormat":"image/webp","caption":"A couple walking together through a garden"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers","jobTitle":"Writer (In remembrance)","image":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/80b8e1a76768e1ea081ddaf9.jpg"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson","jobTitle":"Clinical Affairs Director","image":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/73305651cb93afbdebb69a9a.jpg","sameAs":["https://www.linkedin.com/in/jesse-hanson-phd-7215216/"]},{"@type":"Article","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#article","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past","headline":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage.","wordCount":504,"mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#webpage"},"publisher":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#organization"},"articleSection":"Answers","inLanguage":"en-US","datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:15Z","dateModified":"2026-06-05T09:43:07Z","author":[{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person"}],"image":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#primaryimage"},"hasPart":[{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question"},{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer"}]},{"@type":"Question","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question","name":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","text":"As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.","acceptedAnswer":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question","answerCount":1},{"@type":"Answer","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","text":"We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne","author":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer"},{"@type":"MedicalWebPage","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#webpage","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past","name":"How should I deal with my wife’s past?","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their 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byAnn Landers"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Medically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#summary","label":"Summary"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question","label":"Question"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","label":"Answer"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers","label":""},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel","label":""},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel","label":"Carlos Protzel Psy.D."},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/carlos-protzel","label":"View experience"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/community/marriage","label":"Explore community"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers","label":""},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers","label":"Ann Landers"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers","label":"View experience"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson","label":""},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson","label":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D."},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson","label":"View experience"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/wife-of-21-years-has-a-boyfriend","label":"Why does my wife of 21 years have a boyfriend?"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/why-does-my-wifes-old-boyfriend-bother-me","label":"Why does my wife’s old boyfriend bother me?"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/unexpressive-partner","label":"How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?"}],"conversation":{"status":"complete","summary":{"question":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage. Repeated questions about her past are now straining their connection.","answer":"The answer emphasizes that the wife’s past relationships predate the marriage and cannot be changed, while beliefs about sex may differ and evolve. It encourages him to stop personalizing or punishing her for those experiences and to recognize the openness involved in her sharing them."},"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/my-wifes-past","sourceReviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson"},"question":{"id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#question","html":"<p>As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. </p>\n<p>My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY?</p>\n<p>She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for.</p>\n<p>I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better.</p>","text":"As a child, I was brought up very strict. I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I stuck to this rule. Being a male, I’m sure it’s hard to believe. I would never voice my opinion on this subject for concerns of being ridiculed. My problem is that 11 years ago, I met a woman with whom I fell in love and eventually married. She told me about her past (9 guys including a one night stand). While it always upset me, I tried to keep the hurt to myself. In the past month or so, I let loose and have begun to question; WHY? She gets very defensive and the answer is always that she had low self-esteem and didn’t want to be lonely. I feel this is just a bad excuse to try to get me to feel sorry for her and leave the subject alone. She swears she never enjoyed any sexual experience before me. But these aren’t the answers I’m looking for. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to gain by asking “why?”. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is putting a big strain on how I’m feeling about her and our marriage. I was hoping that maybe you had some thoughts on the subject of “pre-marital sex” that might help me understand my pain a little better."},"answer":{"id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past#answer","html":"<p>We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it.</p>\n<p>These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex.</p>\n<p>Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you.</p>\n<p>Hope that helps,</p>\n<p>– Anne</p>","text":"We’ve all done things that we’re not proud of…and it sounds like your wife is no exception. Low self-esteem is one of the reasons most often sited by women who have had multiple partners. She is obviously not proud of her past, so I can understand why she becomes defensive when you question her about it. These nine guys had nothing to do with you, and it seems as if you are personalizing this entire situation. Your wife definitely trusts you…otherwise she would never have told you about these other men. You have to understand that your wife can’t change the past. As you’ve probably come to understand, we all have different views concerning sex. Some of us see sex as an intimate expression of love, while others have sex for recreational purposes. It is possible that these views can, and often do, change over time. Just like any of our other beliefs, our views on sex are influenced by a number of different sources – family, friends, school, etc. You have to stop punishing your wife for her past actions…she has probably already done that for you. Hope that helps, – Anne","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"How should I deal with my wife’s past? | MentalHealth.com","description":"A man raised with strict beliefs about premarital sex feels distressed by his wife’s earlier relationships many years into their marriage.","canonical":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-wifes-past","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/optimized/f7d19272dd5d30590dddbab9.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Carlos Protzel, Psy.D.","url":"/people/carlos-protzel","profileId":"13151","topic":"wellbeing","focus":"Integrative mental health care","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/marriage","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}