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Summary
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A woman feels hurt after her husband moves to a separate bedroom because of her snoring. Although a medical appointment is planned, the sleeping arrangement has deepened concerns about an already distant marriage.
The answer treats the snoring as a potentially manageable issue while asking whether emotional closeness and mutual satisfaction are also missing.
It notes that separate bedrooms can work when both partners agree and maintain intimacy, but recommends facing the relationship changes if the arrangement leaves either partner unhappy.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been having a problem for the last year with snoring. My husband has put up with it(as have I) hoping the situation would improve. It has not. This week he moved out of our bedroom and into the spare bedroom. He is fixing up the room to his liking, moving books in, fixing up shelves, etc.
\nI feel very hurt by all this, although I understand, because he was losing a great deal of sleep due to my snoring. I’m becoming more depressed about it. I have an appointment in December to have the problem checked out medically, but I’m not sure what to do about our relationship. We don’t have the greatest relationship anyway, and counseling really hasn’t helped because he doesn’t really seem to be able to – or is not motivated – to make the necessary changes to help make our relationship better.
\nEven the counselor said, “What you see is what you get,” with him. In the meantime, I feel that we’re roommates living in the same house. We have two children, ages 12 and 8, and if it weren’t for them, I guess the relationship would be over, but I don’t really want to end the relationship. I love my husband, but I’m not sure what to do at this point in my life. Any suggestions?
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Answer
Ann LandersAt this point in your relationship, you must weigh what’s important to you. Your snoring problem is only a surface problem between you and your husband, and is something that can be helped through different methods, depending on the severity. Once the snoring is helped, is your husband going to move back into your bedroom with you? Where is the intimacy in your relationship, and are you staying together for your children? These are questions you must face and deal with.
\nYou say you love your husband, however, you are not happy with your relationship right now. Is your husband happy? Possibly, your husband needs some space as this point, and is using your snoring problem as a means to gain that space by moving into his own room. Are you satisfied with this decision for now? And, if he doesn’t intend on moving back into your room with you, will that be ok?
\nMany people today do not share the same bedroom, and if it’s ok on both parts, it can be something that’s not a bad thing. Oftentimes, these people cannot get a good nights rest while sleeping together — or even in the same room, for various reasons. And, these people find different ways to be close, and to be intimate, and still uphold a strong relationship.
\nBut, if the closeness and intimacy is lacking in your relationship, and you aren’t both at ease with it, you will need to stand up for what you want, and face the necessary changes.
\nBest of luck to you, – Anne
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