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Summary
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A reader misses a husband’s earlier affection and sexual interest and wonders whether job stress could explain the change. Repeated conversations have not helped, and he is reluctant to seek counseling.
The response says heavy workloads and stress can reduce desire, while treating this as a possibility rather than a confirmed explanation.
It recommends discussing how the change affects the reader and considering marriage counseling together, emphasizing that improving shared intimacy requires cooperation and attention to both partners’ concerns.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldHi,I have a question. I have been with my husband for 6 years of marriage and 7 years together. At the begining things was great he was affectionate and lovable and he was the one that started everything. And now I am lucky if I get sexual relationship with him maybe every 2 weeks. He saids it is cause from all the jobs he has had. Could he be right on that?
\nWe talk about it but nothing seems to get corrected. He also says that he dose not remember how to be affectionate when he started it. I did ask him if he go see someone to help him out. He says he does not want to. He does think it would help him. I told him I am not ending our marriage over this cause I think it is stupid and 2 I now this can be fixed but how when I have talked to him about so many times about this.
\nI asked him if I have done anything wrong to make him stop being affectionate. He saids no it is not my fault. All I want to know is where to go from here and is my husband right when work can cause the stress in him for not being so affectionate no more? Thank you for your time.
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Answer
Ann LandersIf your husband is working multiple jobs at once (or even one job for many hours), he may very well be telling you the truth. Work stress does take a toll on people, and sexual desire is often one of the first things to go when life becomes stressful. Luckily this is a reversible problem if both of you are willing to compromise and to work on it to make it better. I, like you, think that seeing a counselor about this issue would be a good idea.
\nUnlike you, I don’t think that your husband should go alone, but rather that the two of you should go together, as in marriage counseling. It’s not that there are necessarily serious problems in the marriage right now – but if left uncorrected, the low frequency of intimacy in your marriage might lead to more serious problems (like you being angry and furious at your husband all the time, feeling that he has rejected you).
\nI would suggest you tell him that the lack of sexuality in the relationship is hard for you (as it is for many in your position), and that you hope he’ll agree to go with you for relationship counseling to ‘nip this problem in the bud’ while it is still small and solvable. Whether you ultimately go for therapy or not, a hopeful sign would be that he’ll recognize that your concerns are important and that he’ll take them seriously and want to address them so that you are happier again.
\nThis is not his problem alone; this is a problem in your shared relationship. Because it is a shared problem you will both have to cooperate to come to a mutually satisfactory solution.
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