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Summary
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A reader finds recently saved photos of a boyfriend’s ex on his computer and feels uneasy about his secrecy. They acknowledge having crossed a privacy boundary and want to discuss what they found.
The response supports a conversation that includes both acknowledging the computer search and explaining the insecurity caused by secrecy.
It sees the boyfriend’s willingness to discuss the issue openly as important to the relationship’s future and recommends reconsidering the relationship if he refuses, without establishing why he kept the photographs.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI just found out recently, after being with my boyfriend for more than a year, that he keeps a folder on his computer with recent pictures of his ex-girlfriend which he downloaded from her facebook account a couple months ago. I found this really weird, because it means that he looked her up on facebook, and saved the pictures even though we were together at the time he created the folder. I had no right to look into his computer and understand this was wrong. I looked into it in the first place because he keeps to himself a lot and I feel as if he’s hiding things from me. I feel really uncomfortable and sad about the situation and would like to talk to him about it. What should I do?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Your feelings of discomfort about your boyfriend are very understandable. The fact that he keeps to himself is what adds to your sense of mystery and suspicion about what he is doing and thinking. Under these circumstances, I agree with you about the importance of talking about it.
\nWhen you talk to him you have to be ready to admit that you were wrong to go into his computer. However, you also need to point out how his secrecy makes you feel and causes you to doubt him. Now, you have even more reason for doubt.
\nYou future decisions about this boyfriend will depend on how he reacts to this discussion. If all he can do is get angry about your having looked into his computer, and with no further willingness for discussion on his part, then he is not the right boyfriend for you. However, if he is willing to be open and honest, then, the relationship might have a future.
\nI agree with you that it is upsetting to find that he is keeping picures of his last girlfriend. It could signify that he is really not done with her. You really need to protect yourself and the best way to do that is to break up with him if he refuses to talk about what is happening in his mind and between the two of you.
\nHe just may be demonstrating that he cannot be dedicated to you. After all, there is a “last” girlfriend. What caused them to breakup?
\nPlease do not make the mistake of believing that his behavior is your fault and do not make the mistake of believing that you can get him to change his ways. If he cannot give you want you want, then, leave.
\nWhat all of us want is to be in a safe and secure relationship in which we can feel loved and give love.
\nBest of Luck
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