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Summary
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A reader fears a husband’s controlling behavior and angry outbursts may become physical violence. He refuses counseling, and they ask whether leaving is necessary even though parts of the marriage feel good.
The response describes fear, intimidation, and rigid control as abusive even without physical assault and gives the writer’s opinion that leaving is probably appropriate.
It recognizes that only the reader can decide and discusses possible efforts to preserve the relationship solely where asserting needs can be done safely and the husband is willing to engage.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI need an objective opinion. I’ve been married for five years to a man I love, but his temper and need for control are becoming overwhelming. At times, I can sense his urge to strike me during disagreements. Because of this, we avoid important conversations, as I fear his sudden mood swings.
\nIf our relationship were entirely bad, the decision would be clear. But most of the time, we get along well. The problem is when he’s stressed—his frustration takes over, and I find myself walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. He refuses to consider marriage counseling, insisting that I should simply listen to him and follow his lead.
\nI don’t believe our marriage can improve without help, and I don’t trust that things will get better on their own. I refuse to believe I am the cause of his unhappiness or constant frustration. I am a kind, well-meaning person who gets along with others, and in every other area of my life, I feel stable. I once thought he was too, but his rage has left me living in fear of his next outburst.
\nI think he’s on the verge of crossing the line between wanting to lash out and actually doing it. I need to leave, don’t I?
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Answer
Ann LandersUnfortunately, in my humble opinion, you very probably should get out of there. Love without mutual respect is a beautiful house built on a crumbling foundation. It seems clear enough to me, based on your report, that you are living under abusive conditions when you are fearing your partner and what he might do. Even assuming that he never actually hits you, you are reacting to many reasonably abusive things that are present, such as his rigid, no-compromise style, and his use of anger to intimidate you (even if he doesn’t intend to intimidate you, that is the very real net effect). This is all verbal and behavioral abuse, if not physical abuse.
\nI qualify my advice that you probably should leave, only becuase I want to make my own bias as clear as I can. I believe that marriages should be equal partnerships. No one partner should have the upper hand for any reason, if it is not the freely given wish of both partners that that be the case. There are many people who do not share these beliefs, and they might give you different advice. Only you can choose whose advice to follow, and ultimately, it will be you and only you making the decision anyway. Each of us is alone that way.
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I also want to point out just how great it is that you have held on to self-esteem in the face of your tyrant-partner’s attempts (conscious or unconscious) to whittle you down. Many women (and men too) go into marriage feeling as you do, but somewhere along the line they buy into their spouses’ belittling of them, and lose the will to protect themselves from abuse. Congradulations for not drinking the kool-aide!
\nI should also say that there may remain a chance you can salvage your marriage even now. Your husband probably has an anger problem. If you can assert yourself enough (and safely enough) that you might convince him to enter into couples couseling with you, and/or him into anger management classes, you might make some progress towards preserving the relationship. Even a trip to the doctor for some medicine he might use to help prevent his tendancy towards overwhelm might help if he is open to the possibilities.
\nDivorce is seldom a pain-free choice. It is probably a worthwhile endevor to puruse all reasonable pathways for preserving your marriage until such a time as you are satisifed that you’ve exhausted what is possible and can leave with a clean conscious that no more amount of trying would help.
\nGood luck.
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