{"formatVersion":"1.1","id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","path":"/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","title":"Why do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?","family":"Answers detail","description":"Learn how to move on from lingering feelings for an ex-lover after an affair, even when your relationship with your spouse has returned to normal.","language":"en-US","access":{"audience":"custom-shared-preview","indexable":true},"provenance":{"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","wordpressId":"6205","contentCompleteness":"complete","dateScope":"original-source"},"authors":[{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers"}],"reviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson"},"dates":{"datePublished":"2024-06-01T00:35:14Z","dateModified":"2025-09-07T08:06:14Z","lastReviewed":"2025-09-15"},"content":{"html":"<nav class=\"breadcrumbs\" aria-label=\"Breadcrumb\"><ol><li><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/\">Home</a></li><li><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers\">Answers</a></li><li><span aria-current=\"page\">Why do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?</span></li></ol></nav><div class=\"article-page answer-page\" data-answer-template=\"conversation\"><header class=\"answer-heading article-heading\"><a class=\"answer-back\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers\">Answers</a><h1>Why do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?</h1><div class=\"answer-credits\"><a class=\"answer-credit-person\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9419.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"40\" height=\"40\" loading=\"lazy\"><span><span class=\"answer-credit-role\">Written by</span><span class=\"answer-credit-name\">Ann Landers</span></span></a><a class=\"answer-credit-person\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"40\" height=\"40\" loading=\"lazy\"><span><span class=\"answer-credit-role\">Medically reviewed by</span><span class=\"answer-credit-name\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</span></span></a></div><dl class=\"answer-heading-dates\"><div><dt>Published</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2024-06-01T00:35:14Z\">June 1, 2024</time></dd></div><div><dt>Updated</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-09-07T08:06:14Z\">September 7, 2025</time></dd></div><div><dt>Reviewed</dt><dd><time datetime=\"2025-09-15\">September 15, 2025</time></dd></div></dl></header><nav class=\"answer-nav\" aria-label=\"Answer navigation\"><a href=\"#summary\">Summary</a><a href=\"#question\">Question</a><a href=\"#answer\">Answer</a></nav><article class=\"prose\" id=\"article-content\" data-answer-thread aria-label=\"Reader question and professional response\"><section class=\"answer-overview\" id=\"summary\" aria-labelledby=\"summary-title\"><h2 id=\"summary-title\">Summary</h2><figure class=\"answer-question-image\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner-20261003.webp\" alt=\"An adult reflects on a coastal bench beside a journal.\" width=\"1000\" height=\"667\" fetchpriority=\"high\"></figure><p>A reader still misses an affair partner two years after the relationship ended. They have stayed married and kept the affair secret, but want help with the lingering feelings.</p><p>The response interprets the feelings as possible grief for a meaningful relationship and wonders whether the affair met needs that remain unaddressed.</p><p>It suggests that secrecy may make processing the loss harder and identifies talking with a professional therapist as a way to explore the relationship’s meaning and the grief.</p></section><div class=\"answer-originals\" id=\"original-conversation\"><div class=\"answer-originals-body\"><section class=\"answer-post answer-question\" id=\"question\" aria-labelledby=\"question-person\"><div class=\"answer-avatar answer-reader\" aria-hidden=\"true\">?</div><div class=\"answer-post-content\"><header class=\"answer-person\"><h2 id=\"question-person\">Question</h2><span>Reader · Identity withheld</span></header><p>My problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him.</p>\n<p>Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.</p></div></section><section class=\"answer-post answer-response\" id=\"answer\" aria-labelledby=\"response-person\"><a class=\"answer-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\" aria-label=\"View Ann Landers profile\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9419.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"44\" height=\"44\" loading=\"lazy\"></a><div class=\"answer-post-content\"><header class=\"answer-person\"><h2 id=\"response-person\">Answer</h2><span>Ann Landers</span></header><p>You don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go.</p>\n<p>I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think.</p>\n<p>It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).</p></div></section></div></div></article><div class=\"answer-endmatter\"><section class=\"article-expert answer-expert-card\" aria-label=\"Subject matter expert\" data-expert-kind=\"related\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/dana-vince\" tabindex=\"-1\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9366.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\"></a><div class=\"answer-expert-copy\"><p class=\"article-bio-role\">Subject matter expert</p><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/dana-vince\">Dana Vince</a></h2><p class=\"article-expert-focus\">Relationships and marriage counseling</p><a class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/dana-vince\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"article-topic-community\" aria-label=\"Related communities\"><img class=\"topic-community-banner\" src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/library/editorial-17221.webp\" alt=\"\" width=\"48\" height=\"48\" loading=\"lazy\"><p class=\"topic-community-label\">Related communities</p><h2>Relationships</h2><p>Connect around communication, closeness, boundaries, and the relationships that matter to you.</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/community/relationships\">Explore community</a></section><section class=\"answer-author-card answer-reviewer-card\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9419.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\"></a><div><span class=\"answer-reviewer-label\">Author</span><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\">Ann Landers</a></h2><p>Ann Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers\" class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"answer-author-card answer-reviewer-card\"><a class=\"answer-card-avatar\" href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\"><img src=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/wordpress/9210.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"64\" height=\"64\" loading=\"lazy\"></a><div><span class=\"answer-reviewer-label\">Medical reviewer</span><h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\">Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.</a></h2><p>Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…</p><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson\" class=\"profile-experience-link experience-button\">View experience</a></div></section><section class=\"answer-related\"><h2>Related questions</h2><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/unexpressive-partner\">How do I deal with an unexpressive partner?</a><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/scary-thoughts-dark-feelings-help\">How can I cope with scary thoughts and dark feelings?</a><a href=\"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-boyfriend-still-has-his-ex-girlfriends-photos\">Why does my boyfriend still have photos of his ex?</a></section></div></div>","text":"HomeAnswersWhy do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?AnswersWhy do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?Written byAnn LandersMedically reviewed byJesse Hanson, Ph.D.PublishedJune 1, 2024UpdatedSeptember 7, 2025ReviewedSeptember 15, 2025SummaryQuestionAnswerSummaryA reader still misses an affair partner two years after the relationship ended. They have stayed married and kept the affair secret, but want help with the lingering feelings.The response interprets the feelings as possible grief for a meaningful relationship and wonders whether the affair met needs that remain unaddressed.It suggests that secrecy may make processing the loss harder and identifies talking with a professional therapist as a way to explore the relationship’s meaning and the grief.?QuestionReader · Identity withheldMy problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him. Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.AnswerAnn LandersYou don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go. I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think. It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).Subject matter expertDana VinceRelationships and marriage counselingView experienceRelated communitiesRelationshipsConnect around communication, closeness, boundaries, and the relationships that matter to you.Explore communityAuthorAnn LandersAnn Landers was the leading advice columnist for 47 years, with her widely syndicated columns reaching 90 million readers worldwide.View experienceMedical reviewerJesse Hanson, Ph.D.Jesse Hanson, Ph.D., is a clinical and somatic psychologist with over 20 years of experience in neuropsychology, specializing in integrative, mind-body…View experienceRelated questionsHow do I deal with an unexpressive partner?How can I cope with scary thoughts and dark feelings?Why does my boyfriend still have photos of his ex?","wordCount":535},"schema":{"@context":"https://schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#organization","name":"MentalHealth.com","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/"},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#website","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/","name":"MentalHealth.com","inLanguage":"en-US","publisher":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/#organization"}},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Answers","item":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":3,"name":"Why 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do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?","text":"My problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him. Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.","acceptedAnswer":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#answer"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#question","answerCount":1},{"@type":"Answer","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#answer","text":"You don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go. I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think. It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).","author":{"@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person"},"inLanguage":"en-US","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#answer"},{"@type":"MedicalWebPage","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#webpage","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","name":"Why do I still have lingering feelings for my old affair partner?","description":"Learn how to move on from lingering feelings for 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partner?"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/scary-thoughts-dark-feelings-help","label":"How can I cope with scary thoughts and dark feelings?"},{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/my-boyfriend-still-has-his-ex-girlfriends-photos","label":"Why does my boyfriend still have photos of his ex?"}],"conversation":{"status":"complete","summary":{"question":"A reader still misses an affair partner two years after the relationship ended. They have stayed married and kept the affair secret, but want help with the lingering feelings.","answer":"The response interprets the feelings as possible grief for a meaningful relationship and wonders whether the affair met needs that remain unaddressed. It suggests that secrecy may make processing the loss harder and identifies talking with a professional therapist as a way to explore the relationship’s meaning and the grief."},"sourceUrl":"https://www.mentalhealth.com/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","sourceReviewer":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson#person","name":"Jesse Hanson, Ph.D.","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/jesse-hanson"},"question":{"id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#question","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#question","html":"<p>My problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him.</p>\n<p>Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this.</p>","text":"My problem might seem small compared to everyone else’s, but I still need help. Two years ago, a relationship ended very badly. I know it couldn’t have ended differently, because it was an affair, and I wasn’t ready to leave my husband. I have finally forgiven my lover, but don’t talk to him anymore, and I still miss him. Things are getting back to status quo with my husband (who never found out, by the way), but I still have these lingering feelings for my ex-lover. How do I get over these feelings? It’s been two years, and I know I shouldn’t obsess over him like this."},"answer":{"id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#answer","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner#answer","html":"<p>You don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go.</p>\n<p>I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think.</p>\n<p>It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).</p>","text":"You don’t say whether you left your affair-partner or he left you. You only say that your affair ended because you weren’t willing to leave your marriage. I gather that you loved this man you had an affair with very much and that it was fairly traumatic to see him go. I also gather that while your marriage is “status quo” now, and probably has its’ share of comforts, that it isn’t terribly exciting for you, or at least that it is lacking in some quality that you have been hungry for, and which was provided in some fashion by your affair. You’re grieving the loss of this lost relationship, I think. It is maybe taking longer to occur than it might under other circumstances because of the secret nature of the affair, and the fact that you can’t really talk about it with anyone you know. I think you need to talk about it and maybe cry about it. Probably the best option you have for talking about your affair and the meaning of the loss to you is with a professional therapist, because such a therapist (a psychologist at least) will be able to offer you confidentiality; he or she won’t reveal what you talk about to anyone, unless ordered to do so by a court of law (which is highly unlikely).","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers#person","name":"Ann Landers","url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/people/anne-landers"}},"summaryScope":"Editorial overview of the original question and response; original review dates apply to the source conversation."},"presentation":{"updatedAt":"2026-10-03","template":"answer-conversation","imageGeneratedAt":"2026-10-03"},"seo":{"title":"Why do I still have lingering feelings for my old | MentalHealth.com","description":"Learn how to move on from lingering feelings for an ex-lover after an affair, even when your relationship with your spouse has returned to normal.","canonical":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/answers/lingering-feelings-for-my-old-affair-partner","robots":"index,follow","socialImage":{"url":"https://mentalhealth-v2.workspace-454808.chatgpt.site/assets/social-tiles-20261006-dots/answers.png","width":1200,"height":630,"alt":"MentalHealth.com — Answers","type":"image/png","sitemapGroup":"answers"}},"subjectMatterExpert":{"name":"Dana Vince","url":"/people/dana-vince","profileId":"6375","topic":"relationships","focus":"Relationships and marriage counseling","selectionBasis":"Documented expertise in the existing published profile","reviewAttribution":false},"navigation":[],"relatedCommunity":{"community":"/community/relationships","basis":"topic match"},"collections":[]}