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Summary
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A reader wants to preserve a relationship despite a girlfriend’s intense jealousy, accusations, and monitoring of messages and location. Constant reassurance has not resolved the conflict.
The response argues that the reader cannot change a partner through reassurance or marriage and that meaningful change would require the girlfriend’s own willingness to seek therapy.
It describes the restrictions as unrealistic and urges careful reflection before marrying, presenting the possibility of ending the relationship as a serious consideration rather than a certain forecast.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldDear Dr.Schwartz,
\nPlease give me some advice on how to save my relationship with my overly jealous girlfriend. It has gotten to the point where I can’t keep a job if my co-workers are females and I engage in any type of conversation with them, even if it is job related.
\nBeyond that, we cannot go out together in public as every time we pass what would be considered an attractive person she is glaring at me to see if I am looking at them. Even if I am not she will accuse me of it anyway. For example, I was walking down the hallway of the hospital she works at with her and a woman. She was walking up the same hallway towards us directly in front of me and she instantly accused me of looking at her. When I asked her where I should look she said the ground.
\nI am constantly reassuring her of my feelings for her and my love for her but nothing gets through. I have even offered to take a polygraph as to whether or not I ever cheated or if I am even looking at these women. She says I am. Unfortunately, it has brow beaten me so bad that I am no longer tolerant of it and get argumentative now.
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I don’t know what else I can do. I have let her run a program that allows her to view all my phone calls and read all my texts whether deleted or not as well as follow me on GPS when I leave the house. I have given her complete access to my facebook account from which I have deleted all females except family.
\nI am hoping your advice is not to walk away as I truly love this girl and want to ask her to marry me. Aside from the jealousy she is a great girlfriend and when these issues don’t rise up we get along great. I also understand that these are valid feelings she is having even if they are not real….please help me.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.I understand that you do not want me to tell you to break off the relationship with your girlfriend. However, this is something you must be thinking about or you would not bring it up.
\nIt’s important for everyone to understand that, in an intimate relationship, “what you see is what you get.” In other words, no one can change another person whether they marry that person or not. This is the way your girlfriend is and this is what you will have to live with if you marry her.
\nThere is no use to you of trying to reassure her of your faithfulness. Her thoughts and feelings are irrational. In fact, the more you try to prove your faithfulness, the more suspicious becomes.
\nThis is the way it will always be unless she decides to go to therapy. However, she would have to make that decision and she would have to want to change. Her thinking is very jealous, bordering on paranoid and I am doubtful she will be able to change in time to prevent this relationship from splitting up.
\nThe fact is that men and women find each other attractive and look at one another in passing. That is quite normal. It is unrealistic for her to tell you to look down every time you see a female. It’s not going to happen nor should it happen.
\nYou need to be aware that paranoia and jealously are relationship destroyers. You are already getting impatient with her and that is understandable. Think very careful about whether it’s wise for the two of you to marry. Do you want a life time of being accused of being unfaithful?
\nRemember, you brought up the issue of breaking up with her and not me. I strongly suspect that ending this relationship is something you are seriously thinking about and who could blame you?
\nGood Luck
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