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Summary
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A reader’s boyfriend has withdrawn from sexual intimacy as their emotional relationship has deepened. His past relationships and visible anxiety leave the reader unsure whether the issue concerns orientation, intimacy, or something else.
The response offers speculative explanations involving discomfort with commitment and beliefs about intimacy, without establishing the boyfriend’s orientation or a diagnosis.
It expresses the writer’s opinion that the reader should consider whether this relationship can meet their needs, explicitly acknowledging that the conclusions depend on a limited written account and are not a certain prediction.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now. The first month was exciting, fun and we had a great sex life. After he started falling for me it died. It’s now at the point where I can’t remember the last time he initiated sex let alone even had sex with me.
\nThe reason I’ve stayed is because he’s been so open and honest about his problems and his past. He’s had a few long term relationships when he was 19-22. He’s now 28. For the 6 years in between he’s admitted to having slept with hundreds of women. Most were one time things or short flings. He’s told me he cannot maintain sex with a girlfriend but has also never been this is love.
\nWhile he was on his sex binge he sought help due to his family noticing his erratic behavior. His counselor said it was almost a sex addiction problem. I’m confused because I know he’s faithful. I have no doubts about that. I figured if he was a sex addict he would cheat.
\nHe’s checked out men before, doesn’t seem at all sexually attracted to me, even though he compliments me daily, and he’s now at a point where he doesn’t even want to try and have sex. He gets a headache when the topic of sex is brought up and if I try and have sex he gets all worked up, anxious and uncomfortable.
\nI can’t tell whether he maybe gay, asexual, or just have severe deep seeded sexual intimacy issues. My friends and family think he’s gay due to what I’ve told them.
\nI’m just so confused. I want to stay because I love him and he loves me and treats me so well, but my fear is I’m setting myself up for a huge let down. Please, any advice would be helpful.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.It is very understandable that you are confused by your boyfriend. You are compounding your confusion with thoughts about homosexuality. To help clarify things for you and to end your confusion, we need to introduce the concept of commitment. Your boyfriend is able to have sex with countless numbers of anonymous women but not with someone he loves. This a more common problems than you may think. Lets look at two important issues that may motivate your boyfriend’s behavior.
\nIf you go back to the New Testament, you will remember that Mary, Christ’s mother, was a virgin. However, when Christ was an adult and conveying the message to the world, another woman came into his life. She was Mary Magdalene, a prostitute who, according to the Bible, he saved.
\nNo, we are not here to study Christianity or the New Testament. However, this bible account serves as the background is a concept that to troubles some men. The concept that, in their unconscious minds, while its permissible to have sex with “loose women,” women who have casual sex or whom even prostitute themselves, it is forbidden to have sex with “pure women,” the kinds of women with whom you fall in love and marry.
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My guess is, from your description is this is what’s going on with this man. Now that he is with a woman with whom he fell in love and could marry, he can no longer have sex. Yes, he had sex with you before he fell in love. Then things changed, he fell in love, you transformed into the “pure woman, and he cannot feel sexual towards you. This has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness or your desirability.
\nThere are some people, male and female, who cannot commit to an intimate, permanent relationship. For them, there is something too threatening about deep relationships. Often, they come from a history of having been abused by parents or other family members. If not abuse, they may have witnessed so much chaos, along with alcohol and drug abuse in the family, that they defend themselves against intimacy, opting for independence instead of what they view as a dangerous dependence on another person.
\nOne or both of these things may be going on with your boyfriend.
\nWhat does this mean for you and your plans?
\nIn my opinion, it would be better for you and your emotional health, to leave him and look for a partner who can fulfill your needs. I no not believe he is or ever will be able to do so. My guess is that, if you stay with him, you will ever be questioning where he is, what he is doing, whether he is being faithful to you. I believe he will experience your doubts and anxieties as stifling and the two of you will endlessly argue. Keep in mind that this is without taking into consideration the fact that he cannot have sex with you. All told, not a satisfying life with him.
\nThis is my opinion. I do not have a crystal ball. I can only offer my conclusions based on what you have written here and my years of working with couples in psychotherapy.
\nWhat ever decision you come to, I wish you the very best of luck.
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