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Summary
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A person describes a supportive marriage outside the bedroom but persistent frustration with sexual communication and intimacy. Their husband becomes angry when concerns arise, and they ask how to improve the situation.
The response treats the problem as involving communication and closeness as well as sexual preferences.
It suggests gentle discussion of mutual enjoyment, asking about anger without criticism, reading educational material together, and considering couples therapy.
These strategies are presented without guarantees, and the answer's guesses about the husband's underlying fears are not established from the letter.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been with my man for three years now and have been patiently waiting for things in the bedroom to change.
\nHe claims he does not like having oral sex performed on him. We never have any kind of foreplay, ever! He refuses to perform oral on me and whenever we do have sex, which is not that often, I initiate it.
\nAlso, he seems to have a problem letting me arouse him. He sort of just gets an erection and jumps on. He always talks during sex and, not dirty talk, either! We have talked some, after three years of marriage. After all, I have to say something. However, he gets angry with me and very often loses his erection quite quickly if anything distracts him. If that happens there is pretty much no going back! Sex will definitely NOT happen after that.
\nThat said, he is wonderful man outside of the bedroom. He is supportive and generous and funny. He makes me laugh almost to tears everyday and he is my best friend. I find him incredibly yummy and want to have sex all the time. I will also mention that he is 13 years younger than me. I would be very grateful for any advice you may have for me.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.The things that happen in the bedroom are not that different from what happens in the outside world, What I mean by that is that, if your husband cannot be intimate in the bedroom then it is likely that he has the same problem outside of the bedroom. His being funny and able to make you laugh is great but, how far can that get a person in an intimate relationship? To take this somewhat further, I want to point out that, what happens in the bedroom is not only sex but an expression of tenderness, sensitivity, caring and deep intimacy. Somehow, I doubt he is able to express these same things outside of the bedroom.
\nHowever, that observation will not help you very much because it still leaves you wondering what to do about the situation? One thing you can consider is marriage counseling. Perhaps, in the therapeutic office he can hear some of your concerns about the relationship. At the very same time, I can hear you responding to me by saying that he would never go to marriage therapy. If he cannot discuss sexual and intimate things with you, then, he cannot with a therapist.
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As I read your E. Mail, I could not help to think to myself, “My, how sad, not only for you, but, for him as well. Look how much he is missing out on.” I suspect very strongly that he is unaware of what pleasures he is missing. The pleasures you are missing are clear and that is why you have written to us.
\nIt is fairly safe for me to guess that your husband has all kinds of fears and inner prohibitions about sex and sexuality, including, how to be with a women sexually.
\nHere are some strategies you might try to help him feel safer sexually. I do not guarantee they will work:\n- \n
- Talk quietly with him about the pleasurable things HE is missing out on. \n
- Gently tell him that you enjoy those things because you love him and that oral sex and foreplay are ways for you to express your love and affection for HIM. In other words, try to express some of this in terms of what would be good fo him, not only you. \n
- Gently bring up the subject of marriage therapy and tell him it is because you feel worried about the future of the relationship. \n
- If he gets angry about any or all of these things try to quietly ask him why he is angry and that you feel confused about what is angering him. Tell him you do not mean to sound critical but want to bring the two of you closer. \n
- Find some really good manuals and books on adult and marital sexual relationships (non pornographic) and ask him to read it with you and discuss it together. \n
I hope these things work. In the end, if nothing at all works, it could spell disaster for the relationship.
\nGood Luck
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