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Summary
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A person in a close relationship feels distressed by limited time with their boyfriend because both work two jobs. A painful previous breakup has heightened fears of losing him, even though they recognize his work demands.
The response considers past hurt and insecurity alongside the genuine strain of demanding schedules.
It encourages developing confidence independent of the relationship and recognizing that partners may need different amounts of time together or alone.
Clear, specific requests for affection and discussion of how to use available time are suggested instead of expecting the boyfriend to infer those needs.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI really love my boyfriend. We live together and have been together for a year. We have been friends for a couple of years. I would say 90% of the time we communicate well, and are really close, and really enjoy each others company.
\nMy problem is that both of us work 2 jobs and really only spend all day Sundays together without interruptions. During the week, we cant really speak for too long on the phone, because were working.
\nSo in the afternoons, when we both get ready for job #2, i always feel like i never get enough of his time. i just want like 5 minutes for cuddling or intimacy. But I always end up feeling like he didn’t show me that much affection. I miss him all the time and would probably spend every moment with him if I could. Am I obsessing?
\nLast year when I was with another boyfriend, I was cheated on and really drug through a TERRIBLE break up.
\nI sometimes wonder if I am holding on to my current boyfriend so tightly so that same thing doesn’t happen again. He has been really patient with me and sometimes I even call him crying hysterically on the phone because i miss him so much. I don’t want to drive him away. I really love him a lot and know he would never hurt me, I trust him completely.
\nHow do I rationalize to myself and realize that it is not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me, its just that he has to work? Are my past relationships and heartbreaks interfering with the fact that i have a chance to have a normal, healthy relationship? please help me!!
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Answer
Ann LandersYou’ve clearly been wounded by your past relationship, and are at present very sensitized to the possibility that this new relationship could also fail. Some people just avoid getting into a new relationship after a bad breakup has occurred. Others, like yourself, will reattach, but do so in a tentative or insecure way, always vigilant for the possibility of a new failure.
\nWhen you feel insecure, the natural tendency is to hold tightly to what you are afraid of losing. The problem with clinging in this manner is that it tends to alienate and put off the people you are trying to stay connected to.
\nPeople don’t like to feel that others are dependent on them, I guess. This is something for you to be aware of. Paradoxically, the very thing that you are doing to try to avert abandonment has some potential to help it happen. This is not to say that the relationship you’re in will fail. Just that it has a better chance of lasting if you can learn to relax some about the possibility that it could fail.
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Relaxing into a relationship is not easy when you feel insecure. The feeling of security and attachment you crave cannot ever be fully satisfied by your partner because your partner can never make you a permanent guarantee. Life just doesn’t work that way. People die and relationships break up sometimes.
\nYou know this because you’ve already experienced a failure. If it happened in the past, it could possibly happen again. In this light, your statements that the new boyfriend would \"never hurt you\" and that you \"trust him completely\" strike me as wish fulfillment; something you’d like to be true, but which, if you’re really being honest with yourself, probably isn’t.
\nI don’t mean to frighten you. It’s really okay that there is the possibility that your relationship could fail. Your worth as a person is not a function of who you are in a relationship with. You are a good and valuable person independently of this man, and you can learn to take care of yourself independently if necessary. Your life will not end or be permanently destroyed if your relationship fails (although it will likely be very upsetting for you for a while). All of this is true, whether you believe it to be true or not.
\nIf you don’t believe it to be true, then you have a worthwhile self-improvement project to work on, namely working out what are the barriers and fears that keep you from feeling confident in yourself. You can never feel confident when you are dependent on someone else to do it for you. You have to seek out and do the things that will help you to become a self-filling cup.
\nEven if you were feeling very confident and relaxed in your relationship, you would still be stressed out just based on how hard you and your boyfriend are working, and how little time you are able to spend together. Work demands like that put real strain on even the most secure relationships.
\nThe thing to do, apart from working on your own self-confidence, is to talk with your boyfriend about ways that the two of you can maximize your time together in the time you have to spend with each other. Keep in mind that what you need is not necessarily what he needs. Some people need more time alone than others and that has nothing to do with whether they are committed relationship partners.
\nWhat from your point of view is an instance of him not giving you enough affection, may be from his point of view just a period of time when he is catching his breath. He may not mean to be withholding; he may simply have different needs than you do.
\nYou can’t expect that every moment you both spend not working needs to be spent with one another, is what I’m driving at. But there are times you will want to spend with one another, and you can talk about how you can make the most of those times. Be explicit and direct in terms of saying what you’d appreciate. If your boyfriend knows that you like to be cuddled for five minutes in between jobs, and how much that makes your day, he can respond to that request. You have to tell him that you like this; he can’t read your mind!
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