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Summary
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An adult with family, career, and social support feels persistently unhappy and disengaged. They describe always solving other people's problems at the expense of personal goals and difficulty asserting their needs.
The response considers depression and a period of life reassessment, while recommending a medical examination to investigate physical contributors and changes in taste.
If health concerns are ruled out, it discusses exercise with medical approval, meditation, nutrition, and psychotherapy as possible supports.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is highlighted, along with finding an experienced therapist the reader feels comfortable talking with.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been in a common-law relationship for many years. We have two great kids, a solid career, a roof over our heads, and a supportive circle of family and friends. On paper, everything looks good. But lately, I just feel… unhappy.
\nFood tastes bland. I have no interest in doing anything. Even laughing feels like work.
\nMy spouse and I are very different. She’s a worrier and a talker. I’m easygoing and a fixer. So she talks, and I fix. The problem is, my work never seems to be done—always putting out fires, always solving something—often at the expense of my own personal goals.
\nI’ve worked so hard to get to this point in life, and I don’t want to throw it all away just because I struggle to assert myself. But I also can’t keep going like this.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Many people experience the kind of crisis that you are going through. Sometimes it’s characterized as the mid life crisis and sometimes it’s referred to as depression and often it’s a combination of both. In other words, even when people feel that they have all they want, they start questioning their lives. Another way of putting it is that it’s common for people, at some point, to think about their lives, decisions as well as consider what they want to do in the future. It does not have to be a bad thing, although it can feel upsetting.
\nOf course, the first thing you need to consider is your physical health. We know there is a direct connection between our physical health and mental life. You need to rule out anything medical that might be going on. The human body is complex and anything can go wrong. I urge you, if you have not already done so, to get a full medical exam. After all, you report that things do not taste the same. That can be depression or something else.
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If it turns out that you are in excellent health, and let’s hope that is true, then you need to explore the issue of depression. For example, starting a regimen of exercise will ge good for you, given the OK from your doctor. In addition to exercise, learning and doing meditation is excellent for relieving the symptoms of stress and depression. Take a look at our self help section to learn more about these. Also, consider your diet and nutrition. The foods you eat can have an impact on mood.
\nIf none of this helps then I recommend professional help. A good psychotherapist, clinical psychologist or clinical social worker, can be of enormous help. I especially recommend cognitive behavior therapy as an excellent type of therapy for depression. However, a good therapist who you feel comfortable with talking to and who is experienced really helps.
\nIn the end, a combination of all of these things, exercise, meditation, nutrition and psychotherapy, go a long way to help people get through the kind of difficult times you are writing about.
\nBest of Luck
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