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Summary
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A graduate student compares herself obsessively with her boyfriend's first love after learning how painful that breakup was for him. Despite improved commitment, she worries she will never measure up and is unsure whether to leave.
The response questions whether love can be meaningfully ranked and suggests that repeated viewing of the ex's photographs intensifies painful comparison.
It distinguishes the boyfriend's past from his current behavior and says only the reader can decide whether continuing emotional distance is acceptable.
Psychotherapy is suggested to clarify self-understanding and relationship needs; the answer's speculation about commitment fears is not established by the letter.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy boyfriend and I have been together for a year, but it's been a challenging journey for me. At the start, he was distant, and while he would make plans with me, he didn’t seem all that excited about starting a relationship. I took it personally and, on a couple of occasions, tried to end things because of it.
\nThe night before Valentine's Day, when it was clear he wasn’t thrilled about taking me out, I ended things with him. During that conversation, I learned about an ex-girlfriend from his college days:
\nShe was his first love, his first kiss, and his first sexual partner. He thought they were going to be together forever, but after he told her he loved her, things started falling apart, and she eventually broke up with him. He was devastated and blamed himself for pushing her away. This all happened when he was 21.
\nWe started dating when he was 29, and the way he spoke about her really bothered me. It felt like he was still hurt by the experience, and I couldn't shake the feeling that he might still be in love with her. I became curious about her, and after seeing her on Facebook, I found out she was beautiful, successful, and smart. The comparison made me feel incredibly inferior.
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Now that we’re back together, he’s more committed to the relationship, but I still struggle with intense self-doubt. I constantly feel like I’ll never measure up to the girl he had in his past. I'm in a demanding graduate program, and I can't keep obsessing over her photos online and feeling bad about myself.
\nI’m thinking about breaking up with him, but I’m torn—I'm afraid doing so will just make me feel worse for letting something like this get to me. I know I should trust his feelings for me and have more confidence in myself, but I can’t stop obsessing over his ex.
\nWhat should I do?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.I tend to follow the principle that people should be guided by their “inner voice,” or by their instincts. Seemingly, you have as many doubts about this boyfriend as you do about yourself. However, the decision to break up with him is complicated for you and I will explain why.
\nFor some reason, you torture yourself by viewing his ex girlfriend’s pictures on Facebook. Why? Why do you submit yourself to torture?
\nBy the time people are well into their twenties they have experienced a number of relationships, some of them serious but failed. That is not unusual. The fact that he and his first girlfriend did not work out is not at all unusual. What is unusual is that he evidently beat himself up for several years afterwards. Now, you are doing to yourself what he did to himself.
\nAfter all, he was 21 at the time and that was eight years ago. Isn’t time for both him and you to put an end to an ancient and failed relationship?
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Also, you ask if he will love you as much as he loved her? How can anyone quantify love? How does one measure “as much?” You will never be his First love. So what?
\nYou have been in this relationship with him for one year and if you continue to find him to be aloof and emotionally distant, then, he will not make a good partner for you. If he is still this way after one year, then, its time for you to move on. However, only you can decide this for yourself.
\nIt seems to me that it might be a good idea for you to think about psychotherapy for yourself. Understanding yourself better and what you want out of a relationship could help you make a clearer decision.
\nI have no way of knowing so, I will venture a comment based on no real evidence. It is this:
\nPerhaps each of you is fearful of commitment and use the ex as a way to avoid a real connection with each other??? A good question for psychotherapy.
\nGood Luck
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