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Summary
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A person in a long marriage describes persistent lack of affection alongside a history of verbal mistreatment. Although the husband has recently become less angry, they remain unsure whether meaningful change is possible or whether to leave.
The response asks the reader to distinguish preferences from essential relationship needs that cannot be compromised without losing a sense of well-being.
It suggests explicitly requesting concrete expressions of affection and observing whether the husband is willing to respond consistently.
If both partners remain unable to compromise on essential needs, the answer describes leaving as a reasonable option and recommends a book on relationship ambivalence.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been married for 14 years, but for the past 13, my husband has shown little to no affection. There is no hand-holding, hugs, gifts, or even sitting close. Meanwhile, he showers our pets with affection. He says he loves me but does not believe he should have to say it unless something changes.
\nThroughout our marriage, he has also been verbally abusive. In March 2005, I told him I was considering divorce and seeing a counselor. He refuses therapy, insisting he can fix his own problems. Recently, he has been trying harder. His anger has lessened, the verbal abuse has decreased, and he has been noticeably nicer. But despite this, there is still no affection.
\nOver the past 11 months, I have told him repeatedly that I need affection and cannot continue living without it. After writing this, the answer seems clear, but I do not want to give up on our marriage if there is still a chance he is truly changing. What should I do?
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Answer
Ann LandersSo the question that you have to answer is “what can I live without and what do I need”. The difference between what you can live without and what you need is exactly what you cannot compromise on and still feel okay about yourself. If you really need affection, then, that is a perfectly reasonable thing to leave your marriage for. If you can live without affection but you prefer not to, then you should stay. In either case, you should consider asking your husband explicitly for the things you need: “please hug me and tell me you love me. I know you don’t need that yourself, but it is really something I need in order to feel good about our connection”, might be something you say to him.
\nHe may do it only grudgingly, but if he does it at all, that is a good sign, and I would recommend waiting around to see if he will continue to respond to explicit instructions. If he just refuses to compromise, and you can’t compromise either with regard to what you need from him but don’t have, then it is time to leave.
\nThere is a very good book on the subject of being ambivalent about leaving a relationship that I’ll recommend. It is called “Too Good To Leave Too Bad To Stay” by therapist Mira Kirshenbaum. The book offers a variety of situations in which people are usually better off leaving, and situations where people are usually better off staying. It can be helpful to know that other people have been where you are now, and that they’ve been able to make their big decision to stay or go, and that life goes on on the other side of the decision, often in a better form.
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