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Summary
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A person feels used and humiliated by their boyfriend's one-sided sexual behavior despite having explained their needs. They wonder why this continues and whether his bipolar diagnosis or their appearance explains it.
The response emphasizes that everyone deserves respectful treatment regardless of appearance and that a diagnosis does not excuse hurtful behavior.
It redirects attention from explaining the boyfriend's motives toward deciding whether to continue a relationship that repeatedly ignores the reader's discomfort.
The answer describes mutual enjoyment and respect as central to intimacy and recommends leaving if the behavior persists after clear discussion.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldSo my boyfriend and I have had so many problems. He is bi-polar for number one, so I could give you a 100 page list of all the terrible things he has said and done to me. Right now this is the issue. We have sex almost every day….but he is so selfish.
\nHe just gets off and doesn’t even touch me. This happened in the past and I brought it out in the open and told him how it made me feel, but it’s happening again. I just don’t get it. I am a beautiful girl and a great body…..so why is he doing this?
\nI hate having sex with him now because I feel so used and gross after. He will grab my hand and put it down there and it makes me feel so terrible. It’s like \"here, you do it cuz I don’t feel like focusing on you.\" Do you have ANY idea of why he’s doing this. I can’t take it much longer. It’s not about the sex. It’s about the meaning of it.
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Answer
Ann LandersTo start, I want to address a confused idea that I see in your question. You seem to be suggesting that because you are physically beautiful that this means that you don’t deserve to be treated in such a selfish manner. It is true that you don’t deserve to be treated selfishly, but that has nothing to do with your beauty. Your beauty is irrelevant to your value as a person. The truth of the matter is that no one deserves to be treated selfishly. Beauty does not equal moral superiority.
\nI know that I’m being idealistic here, and that in the real world beautiful people do end up getting better treatment than less beautiful people. But this phenomena does not occur because beautiful people are more deserving than non-beautiful people. It happens because beautiful people are more desirable than non-beautiful people.
\nThis is to say, other people place a higher value on beautiful people than on non-beautiful people. It’s a selfish sort of valuing that occurs. It’s your beauty that people want to be associated with; not you the person inside. This realization can come as a shock to beautiful people as they age and lose the ability to effortlessly attract others.
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You’re better off learning it as a younger person if you can as it will help you choose better, less selfish partners with whom you’ll ultimately be happier spending time with, in my humble opinion.
\nNow to the meat of your question. Here you are asking “why is my boyfriend so selfish”, all the while allowing yourself to be taking advantage of. As a result you feel terrible and used and gross. And there doesn’t appear to be any end in sight.
\nAsking why isn’t helping you to not feel bad. So, I think that asking why is asking the wrong question. Instead of asking why is he so selfish, I suggest that you should be asking yourself how long will I put up with this abusive treatment? Is there any reason that would justify this abusive behavior to continue?
\nFor instance, if I was to tell you some story about how your boyfriend was abused as a child and therefore isn’t responsible for his actions, would that make it okay for you to be treated this way? I don’t think so. The facts are clear that you are very uncomfortable with how you are being treated. It simply isn’t important why your boyfriend is a jerk, because there isn’t any excuse that can justify his behavior.
\nIt doesn’t matter that he is bipolar, for instance, because he is still acting abusively towards you. Being bipolar is not an excuse for being abusive. There just isn’t any excuse he can make that will justify making it a good decision for you to hang around being taken advantage of.
\nSex between partners should be a loving act, or at least a mutually exciting act. Neither party to sex should feel humiliated or taken advantage of (unless they like feeling that way). If your boyfriend is selfishly treating you like a sex toy and you don’t like that, and you’ve talked with him about how you don’t like to be treated that way but he hasn’t listened, then the answer is clear: drop the guy completely and go find another who will treat you better.
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