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Summary
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A wife describes intermittent conflict when her husband says her contact with friends and relatives leaves him competing for attention. She values those relationships and feels confused despite spending substantial time together.
The response considers whether the husband feels excluded or ignored, while stating that the reasons cannot be known from the letter.
It encourages a conversation about what he feels is missing and whether there are comfortable occasions to include him.
The answer recognizes that spouses can have other friends and family relationships while also working on security and communication within the marriage.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy husband and I have been married for 6+ years. I would consider us to be one of the happiest couples I know. With that said, every 3-4 months my husband displays signs of jealousy (of my family and girl friends) and lashes out at me. He tells me that as a wife I should put him first. In my eyes I always have and always will.
\nI used to ask my family and friends to call or text only between 9-5 when I knew he would be at work (simply trying to ease him). We are business owners and his hours are now slimmed down to about 10-3 now, so he does hear me talk to my sisters, mom, and a few close girlfriends. I don’t understand how he could be jealous when I see my BFF)best friend forever) for lunch about once a week and my sisters once every 2-3 weeks. I do talk to them all a few times a week, I love them and care about how their world is.
\nWhen I text in the evening it is usually only when my husband is watching the military channel and he isn’t communicating with me anyway.
\nAm I in the wrong for wanting to foster relationships with my friends and family? My husband has made the comment of how he has to “compete” for my attention. Being a great wife is something I take pride in so this statement comes across as I am not doing a very good job at being his wife.
\nWe are home together EVERY evening, I cook, I clean, I tend to the house and pets, I don’t nag, we have a great sex life, I don’t cheat, I don’t overspend, and I support him and encourage him on any endeavor he has.
\nI am exhausted and confused…………please help.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.This is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. When it comes to relationship issues between a married couple, there is plenty of room for misunderstanding and miscommunication. One thing that is clear is that your husband is, at times, feeling ignored or left out.
\nIf it is true that he feels left out then it’s important to ask him why? In other words, ask him why he feels ignored when you speak to friends and family? The possible answers are many. Without your intending it, or, without your realization, there may be some things the two of you are not doing. I am not implying that this is true but only suggesting that something is going on.
\nFor example, does your husband wish he could come along when you have lunch with your very best friend?
\nAs a matter of fact, there may be something in your characterization of this person as your “very best friend in the world” that is off putting for him. Generally speaking, married couples with very strong relationships usually describe one another as their “very best friend in the world.” In your case, is your husband the second best friend you have?
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Is your husband ever included when you speak to your relatives or is it an “exclusive only” type of arrangement? Once again, he may feel left our or excluded.
\nI don’t know the answer to any of these questions. Judging from what you have written here, it does not seem to me that your husband is struggling with jealousy. It is also true that husbands and wives do have friends and relatives. However, it’s vital that everyone feel secure in the fact of the existence of these other friends and that it is well established that coming along is sometimes ok.
\nYou and your husband need to talk to each other and figure out what he is unhappy about. If he is not your very best friend in the world then something is not quite right in your marital relationship and is, therefore, something you both need to work on.
\nBest of Luck
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