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Summary
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A recently married person with periods of incapacitating illness feels hurt and unsafe after their husband left them without care. Although he has apologized, they struggle to forgive, fear another abandonment, and experience growing conflict.
The response connects continuing anger with fears of abandonment and lost confidence in the relationship.
It suggests reflecting on whether the incident was an overwhelmed partner's temporary failure or part of unacceptable selfish behavior, and whether the marriage is freely chosen.
If forgiveness is the reader's chosen course, the answer proposes considering the husband's perspective while also addressing the fear beneath the anger.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI am married for a year now. I have some health problems that incapacitate me temporarily. During one of these times, my husband walked out on me, went home, and left me alone with nobody to care for or help me. I felt horrible and have been feeling worse ever since.
\nMy husband has asked for forgiveness, but I am unable to forgive. The thought of his action keeps bothering and worrying me. I do not have peace of mind, and because of this I often get irritated over things I normally should not, which leads to too many clashes between us.
\nMy husband is also unable to understand my state and asks me to forget and live in the present, where he is sorry and promises not to do the same again. He does try his best, but I am somehow unable to believe him. I fear he may do the same again, and I really feel low.
\nHow do I calm myself and forgive him? How can I keep myself happy and at ease? Please help me, I want to forgive and forget.
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Answer
Ann LandersThis is a trust issue, in essence. Your husband basically abandoned you temporarily when he left you for a time while you were sick. You cannot forgive him today, I think, because you no longer trust him to stay with you. Abandonment is a huge issue for many people, and I think it must be a terribly big issue for you.
\nAbandonment feels dangerous to many people, and it also makes many people feel like their self-esteem has been crushed. \"If this person that I was depending upon can leave me, then what must I be worth? Not much\", is how an abandoned person might think. The follow-on fears are often even worst than that: \"I’ll be alone forever!\", \"I won’t be able to take care of myself, and I’ll die\". Of course, in your weakened state where you really needed care, such fears must have loomed larger than life for you.
\nBecause fear is such an uncomfortable state to live in, many people get creative with it and convert it into other emotions that are less painful. A favorite emotion that people convert fear into is anger. If you can feel angry at the person who has abandoned you, you feel less afraid over the issue of abandonment itself. In part this is because your attention becomes focused outward towards the target of your anger, rather than inwards where you stew about your pitiful state.
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These days, anger also helps you to retain an illusion of control over your husband. You’re angry with him and he is feeling meek, and on good behavior, trying to get back into your good graces. If you were to suddenly forgive him, he might stop acting so nice and take you for granted again. Thus, you might be afraid to stop being angry at him, because then you’d lose your supposed advantage over him. This is a false advantage, however, because people in your husband’s situation do not stay meek for long. Ultimately, they find the lack of forgiveness to be frustrating and they become angry back at the person who was so angry with them and the whole situation gets worse rather than better.
\nGiven the instability of your present angry \"advantage\" over your husband, I think that your best course of action is to do some soul searching now about what you ultimately want from your marriage. Ask yourself: Is your husband basically a good man who became overwhelmed with responsibilities and left temporarily on account of that overwhelm, or is he basically not such a good guy, but rather a more selfish type. Do you love this man and therefore choose him, or are you with him out of fear because you are afraid to be alone? No husband, no person you might be in a relationship with, is ever going to be a perfect partner.
\nEven the best partners can become overwhelmed. You need to be able to forgive this sort of temporary human failing if it is followed by recognition of the error and sincere apology. If you can’t forgive under these circumstances, you end up \"cutting off your nose to spite your face\" (e.g., doing more damage by remaining angry than you would by forgiving). If the abandonment was malicious, however, or evidence of a variety of selfishness you cannot live with, then you need to recognize that too.
\nYou might not want to forgive such selfish abandonment, but you do want to let go of the anger you are carrying in any event. Anger is not good for your health, and it interferes with your ability to feel joy. If you’re married to a louse, you need to leave that louse, or at least come to terms with his lousiness so that it doesn’t affect you so deeply.
\nMaking such decisions will take some courage, because you will have to face up to your fear of more abandonment, and your fear of making things worse by asserting yourself. However, I think remaining in the painful holding pattern you are presently in is a far worse option than facing your fears.
\nHow to forgive when you are angry (assuming he is basically a good guy and this is the course you choose to pursue)? I think do make this happen, you need to learn how to empathize with your husband. Work to see yourself in his shoes, confronted with a needy wife and overwhelmed, and needing escape on a temporary basis so that he could gather himself back together.
\nYou will need to become more objective about yourself and how you must come across to other people. If you can practice this, forgiveness of your husband will become easier. Good luck!
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