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Summary
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A reader describes a husband’s name-calling, threats, throwing objects, and spending decisions that leave them afraid to raise concerns. They want to know whether the marriage can improve while protecting their child and sense of dignity.
The response focuses on the reader’s limits and whether the relationship can offer enough respect and safety, rather than whether it can simply continue.
It acknowledges that the husband may resist change and that improvement is not assured, while recognizing that leaving may become necessary if remaining undermines safety or self-respect.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been with my husband for 5 years, and we have a 3-year-old daughter. We have some really good times, but also some really bad ones. He’s very loud and verbal with me, and most of the time I’m afraid to share my opinion or even say something’s bothering me because it usually turns into a big fight. He yells, calls me names, and even threatens divorce.
\nHe spends a lot of money on things I think are pretty dumb. We’re living with his parents for now until we can get our own place, but instead of saving, he just keeps buying stuff like golf clubs and a new car. He says it’s his money, so I have no say. When I ask him not to get another car because I want us to save for a house and move out, he just tells me not to worry about his spending. He promises all the bills will get paid, but here at his parents’ house, there aren’t many bills.
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I want a house. I drive an old used car and I’m the one taking care of our daughter most of the time. He’s had 6 or 7 cars since we’ve been together and I’ve only had 2 because the first one just broke down. I can’t afford a car payment since I pay a lot for daycare and he won’t help with that because he says he has other bills.
\nWe keep our money separate because of his spending issues. I really need advice from someone who doesn’t know either of us. He disrespects me in front of our friends all the time and somehow everything always ends up being my fault. He’s selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible.
\nI don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him how I feel without him yelling, threatening divorce, or even throwing things. I don’t want to live like this but I also don’t want to give up on our marriage and family if there’s a chance to fix it. Please help me.
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Answer
Ann LandersWhen you say, “He’s selfish, disrespectful and irresponsible…I don’t want to live like that but I don’t want to end our marriage and our family if it can be saved”, well, it is hard to get clearer about your issue than this sort of statement. So, congratulations on your clear understanding because that is actually an accomplishment. You can’t figure out what you need to do before you understand what is wrong.
\nThe key outstanding question in your description above will be your deciding whether the marriage can be saved. This is going to come down to how much selfishness, disrespectfulness and irresponsibility you can take from him and still feel okay about yourself and your situation. It is not a question of whether the marriage can endure; it is more a question of how much disrespect you will put up with before it becomes better to leave than to stay.
\nIt seems clear enough that you’ve asked him to behave better and more thoughtfully on various occasions in the past with little success; if he is to change how he relates to you you’re going to have to try different ways of interacting with him. Perhaps you will have to learn to be more assertive with him, not backing down, not giving in, and not letting him off the hook when he does something selfish (all the while, doing your level best to communicate rationally, and to not raise your voice or become whiny).
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Any attempts you make to assert your needs will likely be met with resistance, however. It seems that he escalates and threatens whenever you push him for something because he knows that this will shut you down. You can expect that the more firmly you advocate for respectful thoughtful treatment, the more you will be yelled at and threatened with divorce. You will need to be ready for this.
\nThis man knows your fears and uses them to keep you down. Your challenge is to stop being afraid, or to at least stop letting your fears keep you paralyzed. When you stop allowing yourself to be paralyzed with fear, he stops having leverage over you and the power dynamic within your relationship will necessarily change. When you find your gentle but persistently firm voice and stop responding to his threats he will either start giving ground and behaving better, or he will escalate ever further until it is truly dangerous to live with him. I hope that he is wise enough to learn how to compromise some, because it is clear you don’t want to leave this marriage.
\nIf it becomes necessary to leave him in order to preserve your self-respect or safety, I hope you will find the courage to do so, however. There is life after divorce, and it can be sweet. At least, sweeter than your present experience seems to be.
\nGood luck.
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