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Summary
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A reader with a young baby describes a boyfriend’s insults, pressure over childcare and work, and a new threat of physical violence. They question whether they are at fault and worry about what their daughter is learning.
The response identifies the insults and threats as abuse, distinguishes them from ordinary disagreements, and states that fatigue or possible underlying problems do not excuse them.
It discusses the boyfriend seeking help and emphasizes protecting the reader and child, including the possibility of leaving if the behavior does not change.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldMy boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and now live together. We have a four-month-old baby.
\nThe first year of our relationship was great but after that things got really difficult. We argued and fought often and I almost left a few times. I even turned down multiple dream jobs because he said if I truly loved him, I wouldn’t move away. So, I stayed and then I got pregnant.
\nSince then, the arguing has become less frequent but it still happens at least once a week. I often feel like he contradicts himself.
\nWhen he’s angry he says he’s been lying to me by pretending to be happy but when he calms down, he claims he didn’t mean what he said in anger. When he’s upset, he calls me names: “moron,” “worthless,” “bitch” and insults how I look, even saying I wear glasses because I’m a moron and can’t think for myself.
\nTwo weeks ago, I started working again - my first job since having the baby. He watches her two nights a week and on weekends. I always ask how it goes and he usually says he’s tired but it wasn’t too bad.
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Today he blew up at me. He said I lack intuition and called me ignorant for not realizing how exhausted he’s been. He told me I need to change my work schedule.
\nDuring the argument, he raised his hand and said he wanted to hit me, but didn’t. He’s never hit me before, but he has never said he wanted to before, or raised his hand before.
\nHe also said he doesn’t want to break up but that I’m making him feel like he wants to.
\nThe hardest part is that when he’s not angry, I love that version of him. He’s sweet, giving, emotionally affectionate and a loving father. When he gets angry, I always end up feeling like everything is my fault.
\nI don’t want our daughter to grow up thinking it’s normal for a woman to be treated this way. That’s why I’m writing. I’m confused.
\nAm I really being ignorant or lacking intuition? Am I being unfair for asking him to help with childcare while I work? He does work a full-time labor job and I understand he’s tired. Part of me wants to stay because things do get better sometimes and he is a good dad. Another part of me is deeply confused. I wonder if I’m the one who needs to change?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.It is a curious phenomenon that those women who are abused by their men, believe that it is their fault. In actuality, there is no excuse for abuse, verbal or otherwise. That is not to suggest that couples never argue. However, there is a world of difference between an occasional disagreement and even an argument versus downright abusive behavior.
\nSimply put, your partner and father of your child, is abusive towards you, whether he has actually hit you or not. In fact, his raising his hands to you in a threatening way, does not bode well for the future. I hope I am wrong but his behavior increases the danger that he could hit you some time in the future.
\nI have no way of knowing or understanding what may be motivating his behavior. Understanding the what is driving him does not forgive his actions during these tirades.
\nPerhaps he is suffering from depression or extreme stress. Perhaps he was verbally abused while he was growing up or witnessed his parents being violent with each other. Perhaps he is drinking before he comes home or using other drugs you know nothing about.
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It seems to me, that whatever is behind his actions, he would benefit from psychotherapy. His calling you names, putting you down and blaming you for everything, is not a way to solve problems.
\nI also agree with you that this is damaging to your daughter, both as a female and as a human being. There are lots of people who work at hard labor. I have known many of them and I can report to you that they do not behave this way towards their wives and families.
\nUltimately, if he does nothing to change his ways, it may become necessary for you to gather your child and move away. As a mom, you have an obligation to protect your daughter and, of course, yourself.
\nNo, you are not a “moron” nor are you deserving of his abusive behavior.
\nGood luck.
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