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Summary
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A reader describes repeated flirting and kissing others, sometimes after drinking, that has damaged relationships. They want to understand the pattern and create greater stability for their children and current partner.
The response explores a conflict between wanting commitment and enjoying attention or excitement, suggesting that acknowledging both motives can make change more possible.
It discusses identifying early triggers and seeking support from a therapist or trusted person to interrupt the pattern before it escalates, while emphasizing the reader’s own role in making different choices.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have a hard time staying faithful in relationships. I’m naturally flirtatious and after a few drinks I sometimes end up kissing other men. Looking back this has been a pattern throughout my life. Even when I was younger I found myself involved with married men. It’s something I deeply regret.
\nNow in my 40s and divorced, I know that this behavior played a big part in the breakdown of my marriage and it’s about to ruin the relationship I have with someone I truly love. I never set out to be unfaithful but it has happened more than once. One time the man I was dating even saw it happen. I can’t explain why I do this and I hate the damage it causes.
\nI love him. I would do anything to be with him again and build a future together but I know I have to stop sabotaging my relationships and ruining my reputation. I’ve reached a point where I can’t keep living this way.
\nI have two young children that are ages 7 and 10 and they deserve stability.
\nMy own father passed away when I was 7 and I grew up with my mom and two brothers. I want to give my kids the kind of life I didn’t have.
\nIs there any way I can stop myself from destroying yet another relationship? Please help.
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Answer
Ann LandersYour flirtatious actions would seem to be self-sabotaging and self-destructive, but they also have a sort of attractiveness to them too, don’t they? I mean, it’s very nice when you can flirt with a man and get him to pay attention to you, isn’t it? It is a feeling of power or excitement or something like that, I think. It’s a short lived power, to be sure, but it is certainly something that I can see many people craving.
\nSo maybe your ‘problem’ isn’t so much that you’re doing these self-defeating things and don’t know why and more like you have two conflicting desires – to be faithful and committed (and receive the benefits and stability of that path), and to be flirty and powerful (and to receive the benefits of that path). People are complicated and can want both of these things at the same time, even if reality makes it so that they can’t have both.
\nI’m thinking that you maybe need to own your flirtatiousness more so that you recognize yourself and what you are benefiting from it (and losing). It’s hard to fight something when you disown your desire to take part in it in the first place.
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It occurs to me that your situation is maybe not unlike that of a recovering drug addict – who wants to stay sober, but knows and is powerfully attracted to and craving of being high.
\nWhat works for drug addicts who want to stay sober is: to commit to getting sober, getting a sober sponsor who you can talk to about their cravings and who can provide advice and encouragement for not getting high, and to learn to recognize signs that you’re about to go down the path towards getting high and nipping that behavior in the bud.
\nMaybe you can do the same sorts of things, substituting a close friend, relative or therapist for the role of sponsor, and working with a therapist to help you recognize how your flirtations begin so that you can cut them off before they become problematic. The devil on your shoulder is not someone else – it is you, and only you will be powerful enough to talk back to that ‘devil’ so as to alter your life course.
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