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Summary
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A reader describes a husband who becomes verbally abusive and aggressive when drinking and has pursued online sexual contacts. They ask whether intoxicated behavior reveals his true personality and whether the relationship can recover.
The response rejects the idea that alcohol simply reveals a person’s true personality, while emphasizing that lowered inhibitions and violent behavior still require attention.
It discusses help for problematic drinking and couples therapy for unresolved relationship and sexual concerns, without treating apologies or promises as proof that future harm cannot occur.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldHi, my perfect relationship just fell apart, and I’m trying to figure out if it’s even worth saving. My husband’s personality sometimes shifts drastically when he drinks. Normally, he is an amazing person, loving, considerate, compassionate, and he treats me like royalty, something I’ve never experienced before.
\nBut when he’s drunk, he becomes verbally abusive and violent. So far, he has only hit doors and other objects, never me, and he insists he never will, though I know that promise is a cliche. After this last incident, even he admitted he has a problem and swore he would never drink again because he doesn’t want to lose me, another cliche. I would be open to giving him a chance if he seeks outside help, like AA, but the situation gets worse.
\nI checked his email to see if anything was going on that I didn’t know about and discovered that while drunk, he created a profile on \"OnlineBootyCall\" and listed himself as looking for gay hookups. When I confronted him, he insisted he is ABSOLUTELY NOT gay and had no idea why he signed up, saying he would never cheat on me and blaming it on the alcohol, which he now claims he will never touch again.
\nI know alcohol lowers inhibitions, and my gut tells me he probably has some feelings he won’t admit to. Even if he stops drinking, I worry that another issue will eventually surface, like depression or withdrawal from the relationship. If I shouldn’t take his words seriously when he’s drunk, should I also disregard his actions? I would really appreciate any guidance.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.You certainly do present many dilemmas in your relationship with your husband. Let me explain what I mean by that.
\nFirst, to answer your question, no, I do not believe that alcohol brings out the true personailty. For some people, such as your husband, alcohol loosens the inhibitions and causes him to become angry and verbally abusive. In addition, the strikes walls and other types of inanimate objects. All of this indicates that he does have a problem with alcohol and that he does need to stop drinking. Even though he apologizes the next day and promises that he would never hit you, there is no way he can be sure that he could keep that promise while under the influence. In other words, yes, while drunk, he possibly could strike out at you. He does need to get help with his drinking problem and that could be AA and psychotherapy.
\nHowever, another problem rises to the surface that may or may not be connected to his drinking and it is that of going to the Internet in search of gay sexual partners. This is a problem because he has gone from “looking” at pornography to actually searhing for someone gay with whom to have a sexual liaison. He has gone from fantasy to taking the initial steps towards action. Please remember that heterosexual people can have sexual fantasies that are both homo and hetero sexual. To repeat, what is troubling is that he has taken some action oriented steps, whether drunk or sober at the time.
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While I agree that your husband needs to attend some type of alcohol program such as AA, it would be a good idea for both of you, as a couple, to attend marriage psychotherapy. In my opinion, there may be some deeper issues that need to be addressed by the two of you as a couple. For one, there could be some sexual issues that neither of you is addressing. Be assured that this is very common in married couples, even those who have been together for many years.
\nOne last thought. You speak highly of your marriage until running into these problems. My suggestion is that you not act hastily in giving up on your marriage. All marriages have problems. You report that your husband is motivated to keep the marriage alive. If the two of you are willing to seek help and work on your problems, it could be very rewarding for both of you and it could bring you closer together.
\nBest of luck to both of you.
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