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Summary
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A woman is exhausted by her boyfriend’s mother’s controlling behavior and his difficulty setting limits. Family crises, financial entanglement, and being deprioritized during recovery have led her to question the relationship’s future.
The response strongly recommends leaving, based on the author’s view that the repeated pattern is unlikely to change.
It validates her anger and emphasizes that a couple’s relationship needs boundaries against family interference, without promising that she can repair the situation through additional support.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI met my boyfriend just over two years ago and our relationship has mostly been good, except for his mother, who is truly destroying both his mental health and our relationship.
\nAbout six months into dating, I realized there was a serious issue. He was constantly mediating his parents' fights and often had to drop everything to go to their house. Once there, his mother would stop fighting with his father and start taking it out on him. These episodes could last for days because she has no respect for personal boundaries.
\nWhen he bought his first home, she loaned him a large amount of money for the down payment, then used it to control him. She would threaten to take the condo away unless he did exactly what she wanted but when he tried to pay back the loan, she refused. She is verbally abusive and constantly tells him he is a terrible son. She accuses him of not loving her, criticizes his appearance, and tears down his self-esteem.
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Originally these fights were happening every month but then everything got worse. His dad passed away suddenly and his sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. After that, his mother spiraled. She began openly hating me, calling me names behind my back and became even more needy and controlling. She now visits weekly and stays for two days without asking. If we try to say it is not a good time, she becomes furious and verbally abusive. This behavior existed before her husband died, but the tragedies have made it more extreme.
\nShe has no close friends, and her daughter lives in another country. She expects her son to act as a replacement partner, and if he resists, she explodes.
\nShe convinced him to let her pay off the mortgage so he could repay her monthly, giving her more control. Eventually, she demanded that he sign the condo over to her because he refused to break up with me, and he did. Now she owns the condo and makes him pay high rent. She gave him three hundred fifty thousand dollars, insisted he take it, and the condo is worth around five hundred thousand. He invested his own money into renovations and paid the mortgage for years, but still gave her the deed. Then she removed him from her will.
\nDespite all this, the dynamic has not changed and she still controls him. Whenever he does not do what she wants, she calls his dying sister and gets her involved. It can be over something as simple as not inviting her to dinner. Now his sister does not speak to him and believes he is being a bad son, even though he does everything he can.
\nLast November, I had a routine surgery that became more serious than expected. I had originally asked him to care for me during recovery, but he had just started a new job. I made arrangements with my mom to stay at her place two hours away. My doctor said I had to remain nearby for four days post-surgery. So my mom and I stayed at his place for one night. The next morning, he asked us to leave because he was afraid to tell his mother she could not visit. I was crushed. It was the first time I really needed him, and he chose to avoid conflict with her instead.
\nI almost ended things then, but something held me back. A few months later, we had a huge fight with his mother. She had insisted on coming over on a weekend she knew I would be there. We argued about it, but decided to make the best of it, and I even offered to cook her dinner. I asked him to invite her at four in the afternoon so we could prepare. She showed up at one, crying and yelling that she should not be told when to come. I finally lost my patience. I told her that no loving mother treats her child this way, especially when she relies on him for everything.
\nMy boyfriend now suffers from severe anxiety, skin issues, and growing paranoia. He is afraid she will show up at his home or work. She has a key to his place. He worries people are talking about him behind his back or that security guards are watching him and reporting to his boss. His fears are becoming irrational and the stress has worn me down. There is never enough time to recover between episodes, one weekend ends and another crisis begins.
\nHe constantly talks about not wanting to live and says he cannot take her behavior anymore but he still refuses to set firm boundaries. He calls it his curse and believes he deserves it because she helped him financially. Even though he gave it all back, he still feels he owes her everything.
\nHe has finally agreed to see a therapist. I want to support him, but I am exhausted. I cry all the time and feel constantly angry. I cannot stop thinking about how toxic she is. I am also angry at him for allowing her to control his life. She manipulates him completely. He once even answered her call during sex. I feel second to her and I cannot hide my frustration anymore.
\nI want to treat him with love and kindness, but I feel so hurt. I expect to be his number one, just like he is mine. I am trying to figure out if he can really be a long-term partner. Can we work through this? How do I support him without falling apart myself? Am I wrong to be this angry?
\nThere is so much more I could say.
\nHonestly, I could write a book.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.- \n
- You are not married \n
- She is not your mother in law \n
- As I can tell from your email, there are no children involved \n
In my opinion, it makes sense for you to break up with this man. Clearly, his relationship with his mother takes precedence over you. His decision to ask you and your mother to leave post surgery outrageous. It is no surprise that you were and are angry with him. His first concern should have been you and not what his mother believes. I believe that most people would be bothered by being treated that way.
\nWhat is baffling is the way you describe your relationship with him as “mostly great.” To the contrary, the relationship sounds mostly awful. He does not protect you from his mother and sister, allows his mother to dictate his life, allows his mother to take over his condo and that is something that directly affects you and allows her to create an atmosphere of conflict and hatred. How can you have a mostly great relationship when you are with a man who constantly reminds you that you will never come first?
\nYou asked if you can work this through? My opinion is a large sized, “No,” this cannot be worked through. Why should you be upset all the time? I suggest you remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can. You deserve to have a relationship in which you and your man put one another first.
\nIt is always vitally important that couples make it very clear to in laws that they will not be allowed to interfere. I always describe this as putting an invisible fence around the couple with a sign that clearly states that only those who respect both will be allowed in.
\nBest of luck.
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