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Summary
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A young adult feels angry about a stepfather’s secrecy after leaving the family and starting another relationship. An offer to fund college makes expressing those feelings seem financially risky.
The response acknowledges the strain of being drawn into the parents’ relationship and suggests retaining the freedom to speak honestly.
It recommends a contingency plan for college funding and ways to process anger through supportive conversation and physical activity rather than allowing money to dictate emotional silence.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI never knew my biological father and my mom and step-dad got married when I was 8. I'm now 26 and I have two teenage half-brothers. Whilst we were growing up my step-dad traveled a lot for work and wasn’t around much.
\nThis is about my stepdad, who moved out about 2 years ago after 16 years of marriage. At the time, he said he was unhappy, so I assumed it might be the beginning of a divorce. Its been 2 years since then and there’s been no legal separation or discussion of divorce, just silence. He lives on his own, keeps his life private, yet still regularly pries into ours, saying it's “because he cares.”
\nRecently, I found out he’s living with another woman. He hasn’t told anyone in the family, though it’s obvious. My mom has her suspicions, but I’ve said nothing, even though I know who the woman is and where she lives. I believe it’s his responsibility to tell my mom, not mine.
\nThe secrecy and hypocrisy infuriate me. I’m so angry I can barely think straight.
\nTo complicate things, he recently offered to help pay for me to go back to college and build a better career. I don’t want to confront him and risk losing that opportunity. I’m worried he might take it as a threat, as if I’ll expose his secrets to my mom (something I have no intention of doing), that’s on him.
\nSo, how do I manage the anger and disgust I feel toward him without letting it affect my mom, my brothers, or the chance I have to return to school? How do I stay calm and neutral when I’m holding so much inside?
\nPlease help.
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Answer
Ann LandersI can easily emphathize with your anger and pain. Your mother and step-father have a messy and stressful relationship that seems to be stuck. Though your step-father wants distance and has taken another lover, he is also attached to your mother and to your family that he won’t let go. Your mother, by your report, has accepted what would be for many an unacceptable situation. I’m sure she does suspect that her husband has another lover; it would be weird if he had remained celibate for two years. However, it is also easy for me to believe that she doesn’t want to know.
\nAs parents neither of them appear to be adequately protecting you from what are essentially their troubles by keeping martial boundaries straight. Instead, you find yourself in the role of messenger between them and that is an awful role to occupy.
\nI don’t blame you for an instant for being angry.
\nBut at the same time, you have allowed yourself to become seduced by the lure of money for college. You have become fearful of expressing your anger and hurt to your step-father as he might decide to withdraw this money. I don’t know whether he tried to buy your silence, but you are acting as though he has. And you aren’t sure whether you want to take the bribe.
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College is sure expensive and that money would sure help you to get through it faster. But people do get through college without help from parents. They get loans, and/or they work and take the eight year plan. I know it would be better to get the money, but doing so at the cost of not expressing your feelings to your step-father may be too high a price to pay. You could get sick! I’d say, take the money and go to college. But don’t make any promises to your step-dad regarding what you will or will not say, and don’t expect that the money will keep on coming. Instead, make a contingency plan for keeping yourself at school.
\nThere is no need to do any confronting unnecessarily, but it is both comforting and healthy to know you have the option to express yourself if necessary.
\nIn the meantime, you’re gonna need to find ways to release your rage. I suggest yelling in the car, and hitting pillows with your hands. I also suggest that you talk about your situation with people you come to trust. Talking is a wonderful way to release anger. Another good way to release anger is to exercise, or to do yoga or a martial art. Good luck.
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