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Summary
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A reader’s previous breakup has made promises in a loving new relationship difficult to believe. The current partner has given no reason for doubt, but fear of another loss is affecting their connection.
The response recognizes caution after hurt but suggests the lesson has been generalized too broadly.
It encourages enjoying present affection while accepting uncertainty about the future, and proposes support from an experienced confidant if finding that balance remains difficult.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’ve been in my current relationship for almost a year. Before this, I was with someone for about two and a half years. During that time, we often talked about marriage, and she assured me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but things changed after she left for college, and eventually, so did her feelings.
\nNow, I’m in a relationship that feels truly special. It’s loving, supportive, and full of potential. Still, I struggle to believe my partner when she says things like “we’ll be together forever” or promises that she won’t change her mind. Deep down, I know this relationship feels more meaningful and secure than my last, yet I can’t seem to fully trust her words.
\nWhat makes this harder is that she’s done nothing to make me doubt her. My inability to let go of past hurt is starting to wear on her, and I know it’s unfair. I want to stop letting old wounds cloud something that could be beautiful. How can I work through this and stop letting my fear get in the way?
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Answer
Ann LandersIt is not uncommon for a person who has been dropped on his butt unexpectedly to become cautious about believing statements to the effect of “my love will never die”. After all, this is what you had heard before and it turned out to be not so true. So, in a way, you’ve learned an important life lesson which could make you less naive with regards to future love relationships.
\nThe problem seems to be that you are over-generalizing this important lesson. Sure, you have every right to have a little doubt in your mind that your girlfriend will be able to deliver on her statement, “we’ll be together forever”.
\nShe might fall out of love with you, she might die, you might die, she might have an affair, you might have an affair, etc. You are right in the technical sense to distrust her statements. However, while it is okay to keep a little doubt about your relationship present in your mind, you should not allow this doubt to contaminate your ability to join with her in the joy and love that are possible in this moment.
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When your present girlfriend says, “We’ll be together forever” she is probably expressing how she feels right now. If you allow your fears about the future to stomp on the love you can have now you are loosing out on something very precious. You were too naive your first time out and you got hurt. Now, in your second time out, you are being over cautious.
\nWork back towards the middle where you can be present with your girlfriend in love and joy, and harbor just enough doubt about whether you both can make it to keep yourself protected from sneak attacks.
\nRelax and enjoy what you have AND remain prepared to be alone (if it becomes necessary). If you need help with finding this balance, by all means seek the counsel of an older and wiser man who has been through this common life process before and can help you out.
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