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Summary
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A woman who has long feared and disliked sex has begun therapy and finally shared her feelings with her supportive husband. She asks whether his reassurance is sincere and whether their marriage can remain strong.
The response encourages continuing therapy while also seeking appropriate medical assessment for possible physical contributors.
It sees the long partnership as a reason for hope and emphasizes affection and closeness beyond intercourse, while acknowledging that the author cannot know the husband’s feelings.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’m seeing a therapist to address my fear and dislike of sex. She strongly believes my feelings come from childhood abuse that I don’t remember. I’ve been married for over 30 years and endured sex for most of that time without truly wanting it.
\nWhen I finally opened up to my husband about my true feelings, he reassured me that marriage is about more than sex and that he can manage his own needs. He’s a wonderful man, and we share a lot in common, but I still feel he deserves better.
\nDo you think he’s being honest? Can a sexless marriage survive? I’m working on my issues, but I’m not sure if I’ll resolve them while we’re still young enough to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. I really need some guidance.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.It must have been terrible for you to have sex while you feared and disliked it over thirty years of your marriage. It must have been even more awful to secretly harbor these feelings because you were alone with all of this. That is why it is really good that you are in therapy and have talked with your husband.
\nIt was once believed that sex is 95% psychological and 5% physical. Things have changed as a result of research into the complexity of both the male and females sexual response. This is why I strongly urge you to see your gynaecologist about what may be, at root, a physical problem. It is now well known hormones, physiology and even certain types of non sexual diseases, can negatively impact sexuality.
\nI have no way of knowing if this is true for you or not. Perhaps you have sought medical advice already. In my opinion, it is specifically the advice of medical doctors with expertise in this area that are most important for you. That is why a gynecologist and, or, a urologist, is most important.
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In no way am I suggesting that you end your psychotherapy. Living alone with this problem for more than thirty years is sad. Harboring secrets always takes a terrible toll. You do have a lot to work on about this, yourself and your marriage.
\nAs for your husband, my guess is that he always sensed that something was wrong. Despite our best efforts to keep secrets, those who are closest to us always have a vague idea that something is going on.
\nIs your husband being truthful? I don’t know him but, if I were to place a bet, something I never do, I would bet that he is being truthful. After all, the two of you have been together for more then three decades. That is no small thing. It speaks to the strength of your relationship together. Besides, you should not rule out the possibility that things can improve for you and that you can achieve some pleasure from sex with him.
\nAlso, remember that outside of intercourse, hugging, holding, touching and physical closeness are just as important, maybe even more so after thirty years.
\nBest of luck
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