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Summary
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A married man wants to stop longstanding exhibitionistic behavior and compulsive online sexual activity that are damaging his marriage. Previous treatment and financial barriers have left him uncertain how to change.
The response describes ambivalence as compatible with a sincere wish to stop and emphasizes professional support, practical commitment, and persistence.
It discusses finding affordable therapy, reducing access to reinforcing online habits, and involving his spouse in accountability as the author’s suggestions rather than guaranteed solutions.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI'm reaching out for help with a problem that has persisted for decades. I'm 41 years old and have been married for 14 years to a kind, loving, and hardworking woman. We don't have children. Since high school, I've struggled with a powerful emotional urge toward exhibitionism. In the past, I put myself in situations where I could expose myself to women, a behavior that over the years led to two legal charges and probation.
\nAt one point, the court ordered me to undergo psychiatric treatment, but it didn’t resolve the underlying issue. With the rise of the internet, I stopped acting out in public and instead retreated into a deceptive, virtual life online. I’ve spent hours, sometimes up to six a nigh, engaged in cyber-exhibitionism through chat rooms. I take on different personas (teen, male, female, single, gay) all with the same goal: to talk about sex and seek gratification. This has led to phone calls, video chats, and once, even an in-person meeting under false pretences. I'm exhausted by this compulsion and want to stop.
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I find online activity more exciting and emotionally satisfying than sex with my wife, and it's driving a wedge between us. She resents the time I spend online, and while I’ve tried to deflect her concerns, I know her patience is running out. In many ways, I’m still battling the same behavior that once got me in trouble, only now the internet has removed me from the streets and plugged me into a wider, more enabling network that feeds my compulsion.
\nI know I need help! I want to focus on my marriage and stop living this double life. Therapy isn’t covered by my HMO, and I can't afford $100–$150 an hour without causing financial strain, which would only drive me further into isolation and back to these behaviors. I'm ashamed to share many of the details publicly, but I’d be willing to discuss them in a more private setting. What can I do to break free from this and rebuild my life and my marriage?
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Considering your statements above it seems to me that you are ambivalent about whether or not you are really ready to give up your lifelong sexual habits. You state that you are ‘tired’ of your exhibitionism, but in the same paragraph you also state that you derive more satisfaction from your exhibitionism than from relations with your wife. I get the sense that you find your exhibitionism and internet sexual activity to be compelling, and are not 100% behind wanting to quit. This is okay and probably normal. It doesn’t mean that you aren’t sincere in wanting to quit; rather it suggests that (like any addict) you may be of two minds about giving up this important, if self-destructive, activity.
\nIf you want to quit, then stop making excuses for why it is difficult for you to begin the process. Case in point: if you need therapy (and I would agree that quitting will be much easier with professional support and guidance behind you), then don’t make excuses for why you can’t afford therapy. Instead, find ways to fund therapy, thinking about it as an investment in the quality of your life.\nShow moreShow less
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- There are therapists out there who will work for considerably less money per hour than $150. I’ve seen quality therapy be offered at rates in the $70 per hour range near major cities. \n
- Find ways to come up with the necessary money, possibly by giving up some subscription services that you don’t really need (like cable television, a cell phone, an expensive car loan, etc.) With some creativity, you can find ways to come up with the cash if you are motivated to do so. After all – you probably never have trouble coming up with money when you need it to feed your exhibitionism. \n
- Recognize that therapy is a temporary expenditure – it doesn’t have to go on for years to be helpful. In fact, most modern forms of therapy that are designed to help addicts and impulsives (exhibitionism would fit in here somewhere) are short-term, lasting months in duration, rather than years. There are other steps you might take as well. One of the strategies that financial counselors sometimes take when working with people who have massive credit card debt is to advise them to cut up their credit cards, so as to stop them from containing to use them (and getting further into debt). It’s a radical solution, but an effective one for a motivated person. \n
Don’t expect that you will necessarily fail in early attempts at quitting your exhibitionist ways, but don’t beat yourself up if you fail at first either. Re-channeling a lifelong sexual habit is a very difficult thing to do. You get better at managing it with practice, expert professional coaching, and an attitude that doesn’t let shame get the best of you. If you do fall down, cry for a while and then get back up. Good luck.
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