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Summary
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A woman describes long-standing mood difficulties, anger, numbness, and increasing thoughts of suicide while feeling judged by people around her. Cost concerns have kept her from seeking care.
The response rejects stigmatizing labels and emphasizes getting professional help rather than relying on friends’ attempted diagnoses.
It discusses possible routes to affordable counseling through insurance, clinics, public assistance, community organizations, and family support, without confirming a particular disorder.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI’m a 30-year-old woman who has spent much of my life struggling with dark and negative thoughts. In my very early teens, I attempted suicide. I tend to expect the worst in every situation. If you met me on the street or at work, you’d probably think I’m outgoing, positive, and fairly happy. I’ve faced my share of hardships and try to learn from them and move on, but things don’t seem to get better.
\nAt this point these issues are starting to seriously affect me. I find it very hard to trust anyone. I swing between feeling extremely tired and overly energetic. I get angry very quickly. I don’t cry anymore, it’s like I’m numb. The last time I cried, I got so angry afterwards that I stayed that way for over a week. Even though I don’t want to hurt myself, I’ve been thinking about suicide more than before.
\nSometimes I’ll get into an argument, and just minutes later, I forget what it was about. Many people in my life have told me I might be bipolar or manic depressive. Some say I act like I have Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Most just call me crazy. After 20 years of hearing that, I’ve started to accept the label, even though I’m not proud of it. I desperately want help or at least a better understanding of what’s going on with me, but I can’t afford the care I need.
\nWhat should I do? I don’t feel as broken as others say I am, but what if they’re right? I’m so tired of feeling alone and being judged for emotions I can’t control.
\nPlease help. I feel very lost.
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Answer
Allan Schwartz, Ph.D.Your friends choice of words is very unfortunate. What does crazy mean? It’s really meaningless except that it’s insulting. My strong suggestion is that you drop the word and ignore those friends when they use it. In fact, even the term “messed up” is really not helpful for you. All people have problems and, in fact, it’s been stated that most people have at least one episode of depression during their life times. In other words, it’s not just you.
\nSome of the behavior you describe might fit into the bipolar category. Changing moods, anger, getting into arguments and others can indicate this mood disorder. At the very same time, your symptoms could indicate an Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) disorder. Regardless of the diagnosis you seem to be quite unhappy with your life. In fact, in reading your email, I couldn’t help but wonder to myself if you had been abused when you were younger.
\nIn reality, it’s time to stop trying to make diagnoses and, instead, get some real help. I want to urge you to enter psychotherapy so that you can build a better life than the one you have had over the past twenty years.
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I understand that the problem is that you do not have the money for therapy. This might not be true. If you are working and you have insurance, it may provide for psychotherapy for a limited number of sessions. Some hospitals have free standing clinics that provide psychotherapy at a low cost. A phone call to the hospital can get your questions about help answered.
\nIf you are unemployed you might be able to apply for medicaid to help pay for therapy and other health needs. Another alternative is to turn to your local church or religious organization because they also often provide counseling at a very low cost.
\nYou need to speak to people in your community to see what is available to you in terms of counseling and therapy. Another suggestion is that you speak to your family about funds to help you get help.
\nPlease don’t assume that you cannot afford therapy. There are the resources mentioned above and others. It’s a matter of doing a search.
\nGood luck.
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