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Summary
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A woman is frightened by her boyfriend’s occasional destructive anger despite affectionate periods between outbursts. He has agreed he may need help, and she wants to know how to support change.
The response treats the fear and violence as serious concerns for her safety and relationship, and recommends leaving rather than relying on love to change him.
It describes acknowledgment, voluntary professional anger treatment, and an end to violence as evidence the author would expect before considering meaningful change, rather than accepting assurances alone.
Question
Reader · Identity withheldI have been in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend for about two and a half years. Early in the relationship, I realized he had a serious issue with his temper. He gets extremely angry over small things and during these moments of rage, he has broken things and even punched holes in the wall whilst I stood there crying. Once, he threatened to take his own life.
\nThis behaviour scares me and I find myself afraid to bring up anything that might upset him. These outbursts do not happen very often, maybe once or twice every three months, but they leave a strong impact. Most of the time, he is kind and supportive, which makes the outbursts even more confusing. I believe he keeps his emotions bottled up until they finally explode. After a recent episode I told him I thought he needed help. For the first time, he agreed. We are now planning to speak with his parents and ask for their advice on what to do next.
\nI love him deeply and truly care about his well-being. I want to support him, but I do not know what the right steps are. Should we see a psychologist? How can we handle his anger before it gets worse? I feel stuck and uncertain about what to do.
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Answer
Ann LandersYour boyfriend’s anger problem is a very real problem for your relationship, and for your personal safety and sense of self-worth and the safety and self-esteem of any children you might one day having with him. From your description, he has acted his rage out on you in increasingly violent ways such that you have become afraid of him.
\nIt is unequivocally FOOLISH to remain in a relationship with a person who you are afraid of. No amount of love you may have for this man will change the fact that it is foolish to remain in a violent relationship. You would be well advised to break off the relationship with him no matter how much you love him. This being said, and this being true, It is possible that he could change. Just about anything is possible. You have to judge how likely it is that he could actually make the changes required so that you were no longer in any way afraid of him. As the minimal evidence you should see from him if he is serious about changing his violence, he should tell you that he has been wrong and then show you that he believes it and is doing something to change it by voluntarily participating in an anger management class with a licensed psychologist.
\nYou both would be well advised also to participate in relationship counseling with the goals of discussing how his violence has affected the relationship and reducing the violence to zero. If he isn’t willing to do these things; if he minimizes how his violence affects you or shows you any further violence you should just plain and simple leave him. If you stay at that point you are just being foolish.
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